Everlasting Darkness
by StrippedToTheSoul
Summary: Emma Hathaway is the younger sister of Rose Hathaway, come to court for once sole purpose, and that is guarding Jill. Adrian Ivashkov however, makes that a little bit more difficult than originally expected. As the love between Emma and Adrian blossoms, things around them are swallowed in the darkness of trauma. Will Emma be able to keep Jill safe? Or will she ruin everything?
1. One

Emma wasn't sure what woke her up that night, and why the hell it was this early, but she was woken up by _something_. Her dreams had been nice, very nice for a change, still, there were words on her lips she didn't mind, but couldn't stop if she tried to.

"Adrian." The words left her lips before she could stop them. Emma Hathaway sat up in the blink of an eye, her guardian reflexes breaking through the surface. Why the name had been on her lips, she didn't know. That night, after all spirit dream filled nights, had been calm and peaceful. Finally, she felt sort of rested. Okay, she could probably sleep for hours and feel like she hadn't even closed her eyes, but this, even though it wouldn't last long, felt refreshing.

The darkness around her felt sort of soothing, even though it should bother her more. Strigoi were in their advantage during the darkness, making everything dangerous, but on campus, nothing would happen to her. Nothing could ever happen on campus. But of course, they weren't on campus right now, so the thought wasn't really okay. Nothing could happen at court, right? Guardians were everywhere and they had wards. God damn, she was a guardian.

The little bit of light that fell through her curtains told her that the sun was about to leave the sky for its' well deserved rest and the day was about to start for all Moroi and dhampirs, while the humans only now crawled into their beds.

When the knock on the door sounded again, she hoisted herself upright. Somebody, to her great disliking, needed her already. When the sun went under, the day only just started and when somebody needed you when the day wasn't even over, they might better have a _heck_ of a reason to bother her. At least, that was when your last name is Hathaway, and you rather like to sleep when you get the chance.

The open door revealed a face that was all too familiar to her. Dark brown hair that reached the man's jawline, dark eyes and a gentle but strict glare in his eyes. His dark brown eyes she used to drown in. The person that had crushed her heart.

"Guardian Galloway," she said, surprised to see him. He had been her trainer for such a long time, her heart had ached for him for such a long, long time and now that the longing had finally calmed down, he was there, by her room for all possible sakes. What the hell was he doing here? How did he even get here? She had left the academy with Jill on her own account, and it had been her own decision, to leave with her. Well, it hadn't been her decision, not really. If Jill Dragomir went somewhere, it was obligatory for her to be there too. Now, Eddie was guarding her, even though Emma was a bit skeptical about that. Maybe she should be chaperoning the two of them. Eddie had promised her that things would be okay and that they would stay safe, but with a couple in love, well, you never know.

"Guardian Hathaway," he said, tone flat, "Lord Ivashkov requested your presence at a dinner. He asked me to come and inform you. You will be collected in twenty minutes." His eyes swept over her body, sized her up as if there was something that he liked, or didn't like. Her heart beat a little faster and she knew that she would be blushing. Swiftly, she pushed all of the thoughts away. The fact that he did not like the fact that she was hanging out with him had been made clear long before and he had been more than clear about that.

"I will," she said, her voice a lot sharper than she had intended, "tell Lord Ivashkov that I will be ready in the blink of an eye."

Adrian knocked on her door exactly twenty minutes later, as Emma was tugging on the dress to make it fit the proper way and hug certain parts of her body. She usually didn't dress up for boys that liked her, but Adrian, well, Adrian was different. She loved Adrian in a different fashion than she had done before.

She almost felt as if what she was going through now was more mature than before. He was the first person that she was truly interested in since Jace, and since she now too understood that he was about as impossible a match for her as a person in Russia, she accepted it. Or at least, she thought she did. Her heart didn't agree with that often, but hey, what did you expect? When you love someone for a long time, it isn't over in two days.

"Little Emma," he said, and she could almost detect the slightest of smiles on his lips. "I had them tell you that you had to dress in a proper way, not blow away everybody in the room with your beauty." He pulled her closer to him, but she pulled away. They were out in public, and ever since her sister, people always gossiped about the Hathaways. She didn't need the Ivashkovs to be in the loop too.

"Adrian," she sighed, slightly nervous. "You know that they do not like you hanging out with school girls, even if they have surpassed the school age and now are real guardians, and certainly not with the sister of that sick miss Hathaway that escaped jail by putting her life on the line. People will talk. You know they think that I am dangerous for you."

"I like my people dangerous," he said, smiling to the people in the background, staring at the two of them. Once again, he pulled her closer to him, to say that he indeed meant what he said. "Didn't you get that memo?"

"I'm afraid I didn't." His lips found hers, and she almost sighed as warmth spread through her. She knew how wrong his was, or seemed like it was to so many people, but frankly, she didn't care. Her sister had been in love with this man, no, she hadn't. Her sister's heart had always been with that freak of a teacher of hers, _Dimitri_, and never she had taken Adrian's feelings in account not even for a few seconds. This was different. She really loved him, even though he was way older, and taller, even with the high heels she had decided to wear, and didn't have a good reputation.

"Who are we dining with?" She asked as she pulled on a leather jacket over the red, short dress that she had decided to wear. He had bought it for her a while ago and she had refrained from wearing it, because it looked so much like a dress that her sister would adore. Emma and Rose weren't the same. She wasn't as confident as her sister was, and she certainly did not have her sister's body with curves in the places all boys liked the curves.

"With the Queen," he said, slightly smiling. "We are dining with Queen Dragomir."

"I'm staying here if that is the case," she said, bluntly, "tell the Queen that I would have loved meeting her this morning, but that it was impossible to attend. You'll make something up, won't you?" She groaned loudly and turned around on her heels. This time, it was his turn to frown.

"Em" he asked her, wondering, "why won't you meet her?"

"A certain guardian," she scowled, "that goes by the name Hathaway, like I do. You know, that evil witch?" For some wicked reason Emma didn't understand, Adrian did nothing but chuckle and push her away so he could look at her.

"You'll have to make up with your sister," he said, in his usual tone, "she can't help that you hate her." Emma rolled her eyes, and started to head back to her room. She would _not _be spending time with her sister if she wasn't forced to do so in every way possible.

"I do not need to do anything Adrian. She ruined my life in the academy. Everybody looked at me like I too was an alien, because my sister ran off with somebody who supposedly turned Strigoi and then turned back. They just run off together after _she _is being accused of murdering our Queen. Every teacher looked at me like I was about to do the same thing, just because I am so much like her, not that I actually am though! It is so infuriating!" She knew that she was rambling, but chose to ignore that. There was no reason for him not to know how much she hated her sister.

"He actually did turn Strigoi," Adrian remarked. "And turned back. But don't worry little Em, Rosemarie will probably not turn up on our dinner. Lissa has a lot of guards." He spun her around, and hugged her tight. "Now, can we please go before your teacher in the corner bites off my head?" Surprised, she looked around and saw Galloway standing in the corner, looking at them with great displeasure. Oh, great, just great.

"Ignore him," she said, shrugging. "We only have a few days together before I have to go back to the academy with Jill."

"Talking about Jill," he said, "why aren't you with her more often? I thought that you were here to guard her."

"Because I cannot stand Eddie and Jill being all couple like. He offered to keep an eye on her today, so that I could have my own time with a certain love interest, and he could probably sleep with her." It rolled over her lips in a tone that was unlike her in every way possible, that she was almost surprised with it. "If they want to sleep together, _fine_, but _not _on my watch."

"Now, now," he laughed. "Can't handle the sounds of two people feeling in love now, can you?"

"Adrian Ivashkov," she said, laughing. "Let's just get going _before_ you indeed are without head."


	2. Two

They walked the rest of the way in silence, thinking. Emma about Eddie and Jill and Adrian, she had no idea what he thought about. When they arrived at the Queens residence, Lissa opened up the door, a guardian behind her, ready to get everybody who might try to kill Lissa.

"Adrian," she said, smiling, "come on in. Who did you bring along with you?" She sounded curious, actually curious. Emma did know that she looked nothing like Rose had, and still did, with her mother's auburn hair, slick strands that hung down in deep, rich curls, minimalistic make-up and the innocence that still kind of hung around her. Lissa focused on Emma before speaking. "And why is her aura like a thundercloud?"

"How should I know?" Adrian said, looking up at her. She knew that he already had been drinking, and by the smell of the smoke that hung around him, he had been overwhelmed by Spirit, once again. "Anyway, Lissa, this is Emma Hathaway, my girlfriend. Emma, I believe you met Lissa already?"

"Numerous times," Emma confirmed, kind of angry with the Queen for not recognizing her at all. Okay, she had changed a lot since she had last seen Lissa and it should have been a compliment. She was glad that she looked like her mother, and not like her sister at all. "Starting since childhood." Lissa's eyes really focused on her this time, and only now, she really noticed her. Great.

"Wow, Emma?" she exclaimed, looking at her with surprise in her eyes. "You have changed!"

"I started to look a little bit too much like my devilish sister," she said, knowing that it wouldn't really help her, but not really bothering with trying to stay polite. "Thank you for not recognizing me, it was very, good to know that I no longer look like her."

"Don't forget that you are a guest here and I can kick you out before you even tried to insult her in any way possible, I will kick you out before you get to stay, Adrian." A sharp voice snapped behind Lissa, Dimitri Belikov appearing behind the other guardian. Emma rolled her eyes, the protectiveness of her sister's boyfriend more a joke to her than a real threat. Of course, she knew that Belikov could snap her neck without even blinking, but she decided on taking that risk, thank you very much.

"Belikov," Adrian said, rolling his eyes, "I believe that I am not the one who is insulting her and have no control over my girlfriend. She is not my daughter and I do not need to lecture her."

"I expect the same from your guest as I do from you."

"Don't lecture me," she said, clearly annoyed. "I have a feeling a certain sister will do that anyway. She's here, isn't she?" _The little witch._

Emma had wished that her boyfriend, Adrian had been lying, but he hadn't, luck wasn't on her side this time. Along the wall of the room, next to Belikov and along with all the other guardians that were supposed to guard Lissa and Christian, was her sister.

Her sister's neck was a graveyard of killed Strigoi. The marks she wore so proudly made her skin look like it was nothing but blackened skin. She too bore these scars, these marks and she never, ever showed them, to anyone. Not even Adrian.

Emma had six marks on her neck, which too was a great accomplishment at nineteen, but not nearly like her sister. She had fought in one battle, was promised and had killed four Strigoi before turning nineteen, but she was actually ashamed of her accomplishments. Luckily, when she decided to go out, she could mask her marks with tattoo cover up make up that actually concealed enough of them not to be noticed. Until now, nobody had noticed how ashamed she was with all of it. Not even Adrian, who hadn't seen her with her hair up into a ponytail or a bun since day one of them dating. She did not know why she was so ashamed of them, since everybody always seemed to be so proud to have them. Some showed off their little 'S' shaped promise mark the second they got it unwrapped. She had been different, from the second that she got her first mark, at the age of sixteen years old. She had left it wrapped up for the longest of time, and only when all of the others had uncovered their marks, she unwrapped the little devil, hiding it as soon as she could along with the others that were already there at the time. Ever since graduating, she had gotten two new marks, two strigoi kills.

"Queen Dragomir," Adrian said, a slight smile on his lips as he let go of Emma's hand and walked in after Lissa, "you have really outdone yourself with the decorations."

"Adrian," she sighed, annoyed with him. The minute that Lissa entered the dining room, Rose walked over to see who had made Dimitri angry, and seemed actually surprised to see not just some random girl, but her own sister. She quickly stepped in front of Lissa, but was pushed away by the same Lissa. She said something to Rose, but Emma couldn't understand what they were saying to each other. "She is my guest," was the only thing she understood.

"Adrian, guest does seem to have a different meaning as somebody from kinder garden. Who will you bring next time, a toddler? Were the girlfriends that are in _your_ age category out of order?" Rose stared at Adrian, still angry for what he had said to her after she was shot. "What is it, five years difference? Six? Or have you lost count?"

"Look who's talking," Emma said, "seven years I believe?" Rose shot her sister a glare, further ignoring her. Emma could see that Belikov didn't like the way this conversation was going either, but who was he to protest. He had to admit that Rose had nothing to say about the age difference between her and Adrian, since he and Rose were parted further. "I do not recall you having any trouble with that at the academy. Or did you?" Her eyebrows raised. "You never seemed to show it, but each time you two got some free time, things happened, didn't they? Or have I just misheard the gossip?"

That last comment was overstepping her sister, and she knew that, but she couldn't help it. As often as she could come in conflict with her sister, she seemed to do it. Her parents had chastised her for it so often since the accident that she lost could of how many times she had been alone with her mother.

"Rose," Lissa said, "calm down. Adrian." She gave him a look that said enough for Emma, and she was more than sure that Adrian would step in. "Please."

Adrian turned towards her, and pulled her a little closer, so that his lips were at her ear.

"Please hang on for a few hours," he whispered, "I don't like Rose all that much either, but please don't have her lash out for you, okay? I do not like to bring you back to the academy to go to the infirmary."

"Fine," she said, softly, "what you want Adrian. But if she steps out of line like that you can't expect me not to say anything. She knows how I feel about how everybody thinks about the two of us." Her words were hushed whispers. "She knows it damn well." He shook his head, amusement in his eyes.

"Of course not, I adore how you try to explain our love to a person who will never understand what the word love means." He was joking around with Emma, and she knew that all too well. It was one of the reasons that she loved him the way that she did.

"Thanks," she whispered softly into his ear, reaching up.

"And," he whispered, "I may have a surprise for you if you behave." Her eyebrows shot up, but he just gave her a look that caused her to get the shills, _the good kind_ and helped her to the dining table. That might promise something.

"Who says that I don't have a surprise for you?"

Dinner was, let's say, special. Emma mainly tried to figure out why Lissa had wanted them to come by, since they didn't really talk about something special, but hey, they still hadn't had cake and a lot could happen during desserts. There was a reason that stressed and desserts are each other's mirror.

After the first dish, Emma was more than stuffed. One of those other things that she and Rose were so different in. Rose could eat until she exploded, while she had such a petite stomach that she could barely hold down anything. This often caused problems in class, because she didn't have the energy to really do much harm to her fellow students. This had caused her to be put in extra classes and her being forced to drink something that would give her energy on a regular basis. It was more embarrassing than anything else really.

But, this meal being well, breakfast to her body, didn't really help her either.

When the cake was cut in pieces, the tension in the room rose. Rose looked at the cake longingly, as if she wanted to eat the whole of it and Dimitri looked at her with affection in his eyes, such affection that Emma couldn't look at him for a little longer than a few seconds before feeling like she had stepped into a private moment between the two of them.

Something about her sister had changed, since the last time that Emma had seen her, when she was shot. Of course she had too been surprised when the shots were fired, and it even made her twitch a little that it had been her big sister to be the one almost killed, but she had never really been worried. Now, she seemed to look, _radiant_. Was she cheating Dimitri and pregnant or something?

In the corner of her eye, she could see Lissa look at her sister, and after a little while, Rose to Dimitri. Yeesh, what had they planned to do? What was the big announcement that couldn't wait, apparently. Just tell us already, before somebody explodes.

"Sorry we're late," Janine Hathaway said, coming through the doors of the room. "Abe was late, as usual." The tension in the room broke, to Emma's great happiness.

"It's okay, Guardian Hathaway," Lissa said, smiling, only noticing that three heads listened to the name guardian Hathaway, "Janine I mean. We are starting cake and we've got sufficient space." Her mother sat down to Emma's right, next to Adrian and Abe, her father, next to her mother.

"We're sorry," her mother said again, a slight smile on her lips. Janine Hathaway _never_ smiled.

"Now," Lissa said when everybody had a plate of food. "I do believe that Rose and Dimitri had an announcement to make."

"Well," Rose started, looking at Adrian with an anxious expression in her eyes, as if she was anxious for how he would react to the news. "Me and Dimitri have been talking for a while now and well, he decided not to listen to me, at all." She almost chuckled - **chuckled?! **- and looked at Dimitri to finish her sentence.

"No, I indeed did not," he said with a warm smile on his lips. "Me and Rose had been talking about our future, and we have decided that, no I did really, to ask her to become my wife a few days ago."

Emma had to bite her tongue not to groan loudly. She refrained from rolling her eyes too, because it wouldn't be all that kind to the other people sitting with them and Lissa would notice, but god damn, her sister was really overstepping her game this time. Did they really have to invite them for this? Didn't Rose figure out how much it would hurt Adrian to know that the one he was previously in a relationship with is getting married? Emma squeezed her lovers hand slightly under the table, but Adrian had had too many drinks to forget Rose to really care anymore, or really seem like caring really. Adrian's way of coping with things was drinking, and well, he had gotten over Rose that way. Emma had only now started believing that he didn't care for her any more. Not that he liked her, no, but he didn't care for her. She was worried for him, _really worried _but how could she possibly help him? There was only so much that she could do with so many people around them.

Everybody seemed to be ecstatic about the _good _news, but Emma couldn't shake the feeling of anger. Why did they need to be there? To hurt Adrian a little more? To torment them both. She had already made up her mind, and that was that she would stay clear of that wedding, if she could, which she probably couldn't. Jill would go, and if she went, she would take Eddie with her as her +1, so she would be on guard duty, protecting them both. Great.

Adrian looked up at Emma, eyes reassuring her, "you could be happy for her you know."

"I can't," Emma sighed silently. "Look at them stealing the show and being all couple like and flirty." She sighed again, forcing the words to roll over her lips. "And happy."

"Now, now," he almost laughed. "We aren't jealous, are we?"

**AN: I'd very much like it if you'd read and review. I will probably continue posting and writing without it, but if you review, I will post faster! :D**


	3. Three

Emma was glad that she could leave the dining room. She needed a break from her sister and her life that appeared to be all too dramatic these days. Okay, getting married was a _big _thing, and she totally got that, but why did she have to be there when she made the announcement? Did she really have to be in the room so that both she and Adrian could get a knife through their hearts?

Okay, she didn't really get a knife through her heart, but seeing Adrian with an expression like that in his eyes? It broke her. She loved him, a lot more than everybody thought that she loved him. Adrian thought that he was good in hiding his feelings from others, but she saw right through his façade, as they strolled down the court.

Their silence was pleasant. It gave her time to think, and quite frankly, Adrian time to think too. She knew that he needed some time on his own to get through this all.

"You okay?" she asked him when they stopped at her door. The Royals had their housing in certain parts, far away from where the guardians stayed and right now, Emma wished more than ever that they were closer to each other. Moroi in the Guardian section, it was frowned upon. When they continued to spend the night there, well, that was even wrse.

"Never been better." His accent sounded through his voice again, even though it had become so normal to her that she didn't even notice it anymore.

"Adrian," she sighed, wanting to protest, but he shook his head.

"No, little Em, I'm fine. Don't worry."

She unlocked the door, pulling him into her little bedroom. She knew how wrong it would seem, and her sister would probably have a stroke if she knew that she invited a boy in her bedroom, but she didn't want to be alone in her room. She was too worried that he would go back to drinking and smoking the minute he was out of her sight.

"I'll be right back," she said, heading in the bathroom, locking the door behind her. Carefully, she peeled off her dress, stepping back into her pajama trousers and a loose shirt. She pulled her hair up in a bun, glad to be rid of that hair on her back. The marks were visible, each one such a rash memory that she wanted them to be gone. To get them undone completely. Sighing, she applied a fresh layer of make-up and made sure that it covered everything. She hated doing this, but hey, what did a girl need to do to be okay with something that leaves scars like these.

"Hi there stranger," Adrian said, grinning ear to ear as she stepped back into the bedroom. She knew the look into his eyes had seen it so often, but each time, she had pushed him away, saying that she wasn't ready for it. But today, maybe, that would change.

"Hi there," she said, too grinning. She sat down on the bed next to him, turned towards him. Suddenly, nerves crept through her. She had never been this nervous, never before. What was up with that?

He stretched out his hand, touching her neck ever so slightly, sliding up to her jawline. "You know that you are beautiful right? In every sense of the word." Shyly, she turned her head away from him, without really thinking turning her head so that he could see where her marks would have been, if they weren't covered up.

She felt his hand slide down to her neck again, tracing where a faint outline of a mark was still visible. She reached up her own arm, wanting his hand gone. She didn't want him to see or know her marks. She didn't want anyone to. Especially Adrian.

"Why do you hide them?" he asked, sitting back on her bed, suddenly curious. All romance that had been in the room, _gone_.

"They are bad memories," she breathed, looking down to her feet tucked under her knees. "Memories of kills I made, lives I ended, people that died. Not only Strigoi." She hadn't told him about the battle. She had never told him how her kills had scarred her. Only by tucking them away like this, she had been able to ignore it, but if she thought about them for too long, the memories would come pouring back into her memory and under the surface, new cracks would appear out of nowhere.

"I thought you only had one?" She shook her head, taking the little bottle of water from the ground and a tissue from her pocket.

"I have more, hold on." She wiped away the make-up. "I just hide them. You have no idea how much this is to me." All six marks were painfully visible, and she knew that. He ran his fingers along them, tracing them on her skin. "I don't like to talk about what I've been through and only the head guardians really know about most of them. When I got these in the academy, I asked the one placing them to stay silent about it. The head guardians, they considered it weird, but did as I asked. I had my first mark before Rose did, and nobody ever told her. She thinks she is one of the first young girls in school to get marked, actually, she thinks she is the only one. I was there before her. Three times." She shook her head, remembering. "Nobody knows about the kills even. Only the promise mark is the one that is commonly known. After graduation, I had four marks." She smiled bitterly as she thought about the attack only the day that she had been let loose. "These two I earned soon after." Each time she talked to Adrian, she was surprised about how much she told him, really told him without worrying. It felt like freeing some part of her.

"Em," he said, looking up at her. "Tell me when you are ready." Adrian pulled her in his arms. Emma rested her head on his shoulder and felt comforted.

"Thank you," she whispered, her fingers tracing the lines of his collar bones, up to his neck and back down again. Her hands ended up by his neckline. "Really, and I want to tell you the stories behind each of the marks. One of these, well, they resulted in losing someone that I loved, a lot. She was my best friend. Nobody knows that I was there, and you need to know that, and I will tell you, I just need time to wrap my head around the fact that there will be somebody else knowing about these."

"That's okay. I'm glad to be of service." His hands played with the fringes of her shirt, like they had done so many times before. Before, each time his hands tugged on them, she had brushed them away, saying that she wasn't ready for it. When he looked up at her this time however, she just smiled at him, a wide smile. His eyes brightened and within seconds, his lips found hers.

Now, you'd think that after your first time having sex with somebody that you really love, you should at least get some time off. Emma was sure that she wanted nothing but to rest her head against his torso and stare at him while he slept. She adored seeing the way his eyelashes created a shadow under his eyes. But of course, sleeping in was a memo that Janine Hathaway didn't get.

"Emma Hathaway," she snapped, "if you don't open this door in two seconds, I will come barging in!"

Janine banged on the door when the sun started its' journey up in the sky, and careful not to wake up Adrian, Emma stepped out of bed.

Normally, she would have gone to the door without thinking about it, but opening the door _naked _may not be such a good idea, so she quickly slipped on a clean bra, a button up shirt and her shorts that were somewhere on the floor. Actually, as she assessed the room, she noticed that all their clothes were somewhere on the floor, making everything look like there had been a war, not something passionate.

Only when she opened the door, she realized that the button up shirt had been the one that her mother had seen Adrian in only a few hours before now, that she wasn't wearing a shirt other than that. Her mother would be able to see her bra. Great.

Her mother sized her up, taking in her appearance that mustn't have looked all that great, her curls that were always sticking out after sleeping and now that Adrian's hand had gotten them out of the bun, they were awful. Not that she really minded.

"Can we come in?" Janine asked her with a frown on her face, which kind of made Emma panic.

"Five minutes please." She closed the door behind her, leaving her mother standing outside. Emma hadn't bothered with checking who the other person was that was with her, but she knew that, if they saw Adrian in her bed and clothes everywhere, they would freak, _big time_.

"Adrian," she whispered, shaking him awake, "get dressed."

"What's wrong, little Emma?" he asked, groggy and confused. "The sun is barely going down. Sleep. Are you wearing my shirt?" He squinted his eyes, staring at her.

"Mom," she whispered. "Mom wants to come in, and I do not think that she will like seeing a boy in her daughter's bed, no matter how old that certain daughter may be." Her eyebrows rose. "Especially not with you. Don't be offended, but I don't think that she agrees with us."

He nodded, shrugging. "I'll get dressed." Adrian slipped out of bed, taking his boxers and pants into the bathroom with him. As Adrian headed into the bathroom, she collected herself and opened the door for her mother, but not just her mother. Oh God!

In her bedroom Janine Hathaway, Dimitri Belikov, Rose Hathaway _and _her former teacher stood, all looking with their eyebrows raised at the mess her bed was, and Adrian's cell phone and belt on her nightstand. She could feel guardian Galloway's eyes scan her, the room, and the crooked bathroom door. Her own clothes were still pretty much everywhere.

"Where have you been all day?" her mother asked her. "We have been looking for you for hours."

"I was here, all day," she said, frowning. "Why? What is so urgent that you get me out of my sleep? It's day! We should all be sleeping away peacefully **not **standing in somebody's room." She didn't tell them that she had been awake for a little hour now, but had been mesmerized by Adrian and the way the slight sunlight shone on his lashes.

"You were in your room, all day?" Rose asked, eyebrows raised. "What have you been doing when you should sleep if you are this tired?" Belikov smirked, trying to stop his laughing.

"Rose," he said, "you are aware of the fact that she is not clothed in her own clothes."

"Never mind, I do not want to know," Rose said quickly, coming to the same conclusion Belikov had come to. Emma could hear the creaking of the door as Adrian walked in, his shirt that he had left with her two days ago covering his torso. Ok, they both did need clothes in both bedrooms they would be spending time in later, not just in hers. For cases like this.

"Emma," Adrian said, stepping in from the bathroom. "I thought you said that your _mother_ was here, not your _family_." Janine raised her eyebrows at the sight of Adrian and gave Emma a look that had to say something of the like 'we need to talk about this, _soon.'_ Emma couldn't feel any bit more ashamed, standing in front of her mother and the others wearing barely anything.

"I thought so too," Emma sighed. "But I guess everybody came." He sat down on the bed next to her, his hair a little more decent than earlier. "What's wrong?"


	4. Four

The silence that followed her words lasted long enough for the others to sit down and stare at her.

"No, seriously guys, what is going on?" Emma pulled her feet up, sitting probably too close to Adrian, but not caring at all. Seeing her sister once a year was often for her, and now twice in one day meant that something was going on, seriously going on.

"Do you have any idea what has happened, like, all day?" Belikov said, eyebrows raised. What was she supposed to know, that she didn't know?

"No!" she sighed, annoyed. "I have been in here all day." Adrian chuckled a little at her comment, but managed to pull himself together before Emma punched him. She was getting really worried now that her sister's fiancé too seemed to be worried and all serious. "Seriously, I already told you, I was here! Guys, you are worrying me. If something really serious was up, you wouldn't have been stopped by a closed door, would you?"

"You are right," Rose said, "we wouldn't. But it was silent enough in your room and everything seemed to be dark, so we didn't think that you were in. Thank God that we thought so. I don't even want to know what we would see."

"We are wasting time here. Get dressed," Belikov said suddenly, "and come with us. We will wait, in here."

"No," she said, frowning. "What is going on?"

"Something happened to Eddie and Jill."

She had never been dressed quicker than the moment that her former teacher had said that. If something had happened to Eddie, Jill was alone, and it would be her task to take care of her. To make sure that something didn't happen to her. Now that something had happened to the _both _of them, she would 1) look very bad and 2) something had happened that was worse than bad.

The casual guardian attire lay ready in the bathroom, knowing that a day would come that she would have to be ready in the blink of an eye. The fact that the day had already come frightened her more than she was okay with admitting. She had imagined it taking at least a few years, but well, two months?

"Are you ready?" Adrian shot his head through the door, just as Emma wanted to exit the room. She just nodded, worried, frightened and a blank expression in her eyes. Would they have told him what happened? Or would that be wasting time too? Probably. Nothing in his gaze told her that he knew. The only emotion that she could see in his eyes was worry, and not for Eddie, but worry for her.

"I'm ready," she said, voice cool and calm. The usual guardian temper that always fell over her when something happened, like when the Strigoi had attack the group of them first time, had finally kicked in. "Tell me what happened, _now_. I need to know."

Eddie and Jill had been in the outskirts of the court when it happened, and neither of them had ever expected that an attack would happen during the night at that point. They did not know that they had left the protected area. Eddie was knocked unconscious, but was still alive. He was at the clinic, being treated. Jill was taken. Eddie knew where they were taking her, because they had been discussing it, but nothing further, no details. No, she's still alive, nothing more.

When she got in to see Eddie for a split second, to get a little bit more information out of him, he looked like a wreck and kept saying over and over and over that he felt so guilty for not paying enough attention.

"Eddie!" Emma snapped, putting her hair up in a bun so that it wouldn't get in the way in case she would get into a fight later. "This is not just your fault! This could happen to any of us out there. It happened. We are going to get her out of the hands of the Strigoi and back into safety, okay? And you know what? I am not going alone. All Hathaways will be there. Belikov will be there. Whatever happened, we will get her home, okay?"

"I sure hope you do, Hathaway."

Eddie hadn't been able to give the much more new information before getting into trouble again. The nurses ushered them out and said that he required rest before he could be lead into questioning again. He was still too weak.

Adrian stayed with the group, staying close to the others when Emma wasn't there, and then, when Emma rejoined them, close to her. She knew that he was having trouble with the fact that there was nothing that he could do this time. This was not his department.

"Adrian," she said tone serious, "you can't go with us."

"What if somebody gets hurt? I can heal them." She knew who he meant when he said somebody. "I have to be there." She didn't want to risk him getting hurt, but if he could safe Jill, maybe he should?

"I don't know Adrian." She didn't want to worry for him too if he wanted to come with.

"He can come," Janine said, pushing the both of them into a car. "Just go."

They drove for, let's say sixty minutes without ever saying _one _word. The silence was tense; all knowing what would happen in the next minutes. If they didn't find Jill quickly, she might as well be dead, and if that happened, not only Eddie would be accounted for, but she too would be to blame for the passing away of the one she should guard. She should have been there, even if Eddie was a guardian too.

She saw in the corner of her eye that her sister looked grim, and from the way Dimitri looked at Rose, Emma could tell that they were getting close. Ever since had come out that Rose felt nauseous around Strigoi, it had been a present for all of them. Adrian stared at her, at the marks, and she quickly wanted to untie the bun and let her hair hang long. It may be more dangerous, but she wouldn't be looked at like that. He reached out his arm however, when she reached for it.

"Don't," he said, slightly smiling. "Let them remember the marks of the person that killed them." A sad smile covered her lips, but she didn't say anything. His dream would soon shatter when he saw a real fight. Everything happened too fast for that. Somebody shot a sharp look to the back, and who it was, it didn't really matter. Adrian shot the person a look that was possibly even sharper and pointier than any of them could look.

"We're here, lovebirds," her mother said. "Back to earth."

The warehouse looked empty enough from the outside, but the fact that Rose still felt the nausea and Dimitri too seemed to be on an edge, told Emma that they weren't even close to being safe. No, the trouble had just started and Emma feared that things might end up very bad for all of them.

They separated into three groups, so that they could handle whatever what was going in inside. There were five people who were trained to kill Strigoi going in and Adrian well, Adrian could heal. His ability was more than welcome. Adrian would be going in with the last group, the group that would infiltrate the heart of the organization, where they all expected Jill to be.

Not being completely able to know where she was brought them to a disadvantage, but the warehouse wasn't a big building, and if she remembered it right, there were lots of open spaces and few spots to hide. The fact that they could hear screams coming from inside - screams that were without a doubt Jill's - helped them too.

Her mother and guardian Galloway worked together, to fight off and fend off the first set of Strigoi while Rose and Dimitri - a match made in hell - would fend off the others. Emma and Adrian were on escape duty.

It did make sense to her that they had to be the ones. They were the youngest people there, _and _Adrian was unable to fight in grand battles without losing his life, and if they even risked losing Adrian - which they did anyway - Emma would be _so _mad at the others.

She knew it was irrational of her, but if she lost Adrian, she just didn't know what to do. Her and Adrian, they were made for each other, two pieces of the same puzzle that were meant to be together, fit perfectly. Maybe that was the side of her that was all too romantic, but it was true. When they slept together, in both the innocent and not at all innocent sense of the way, she felt like their bodies fit together perfectly. She didn't worry about not being good enough for him, he made her feel loved. Every time he touched her, she felt like she belonged there, right by his side. Of course, she too knew that it was just a dream of hers, it was a fantasy, but as long as she felt okay with that fantasy, would it matter if it was the truth?

The scream sounded again, pulling her from her own mind. Jill, she was getting into real trouble.

The others scanned the environment before heading in through the doors, but nothing could prepare them for the six or seven Strigoi attacking them. Emma felt guilty for not being able to help them, but they had to keep their vision clear and their minds set on Jill.

It was too easy. That was the first thing that Emma thought when she saw Jill strapped on a cold metal bed. Her hands and feet were tied and god knows how much blood there was, but she was alive and nobody was around to defend her. Her neck was covered in blood, and the dress she had been wearing when kidnapped was stained with blood. Deep fang marks marked her neck, probably forever.

Normal Strigoi would never drink off each other, would never do a think so shameful. Only Dhampirs and maybe the humans were sources of food. Now, what the hell was up with this? Why had they decided to make Jill a new source to feed from.

"Adrian," Emma said, pointing at Jill, "run over to her, I've got your back." She scanned the room for potential threads, but none came up. Maybe all of them were out front; maybe some had lingered to finish off anybody who came close to their piece of meat. Emma didn't know, but she didn't want to take a shot at it either.

She shadowed Adrian, staying close but keeping an eye out for possible dangers. Of course, soon enough, the first pair of eyes with a dark red line around the iris opened up, and closed only milliseconds later after the silver stake ran deep in his heart.

"Adrian, go!" she yelled at him when he stopped. "If there is one here, there will be more!" Soon enough, more Strigoi closed in on them. They however seemed to stay away from her, only attacking Adrian. He was the thread to their piece of meat. She didn't kill all that many, but each time somebody came a little too close to Jill or Adrian got a stake through their heart. She killed three or four, she wasn't even sure how many there were. Soon enough, they fled to the back, away from the silver stake.

Adrian wasn't too strong, but he was strong enough to carry Jill in his arms. Thank god she was still alive, breathing normally and sort of conscious. If she could only keep her mouth for a few seconds things would be even better. She kept asking about Eddie and even though Adrian kept telling her that Eddie was in the hospital and that he was being looked out for, she couldn't keep herself from asking again and again.

"Jill," she said, calm. "He is in the hospital and he is fine." She had turned her back on anyone who might be running up to them, and she could only feel the sharp knife, dagger, or maybe even stake sink deep into her skin before she slumped to the ground.

Pain was everywhere. Darkness tugging on her vision. She had made a _rookie _mistake. After training, she ought to be ready for something like this, but of course, she had turned her back on the enemy. Stupid, foolish girl. She didn't even know how deep the wound was, but she could feel the tearing of muscles, the hitting of the knife against her shoulder.

"Emma!" she could hear him, Adrian yell as the doors opened up and the others came thundering through them. Probably wondering why they took so long to return. She had to blink often, to keep the darkness at bay but knew that she couldn't keep it up for too long. It was growing more and more persistent.

"They come first," she whispered as Adrian sank on his knees in front of her. "Jill. Go, she." She couldn't finish her sentence, the darkness so very close it swallowed her. She could feel how he was careful around her.

"They've got her," she heard him whisper as he took her hand in his. She couldn't hear any sadness in his voice, only worry. "She is safe, they've got her, but we got to go, now."

There was no time though. She wouldn't survive it to the car. She would die right here on the ground and nothing could help her, not even Adrian Ivashkov.


	5. Five

She wasn't where she thought she would be when she opened her eyes again. Before, she had been with the living dead, she had even seen her own body on the floor, pale, unnaturally stiff. There had been darkness, unending darkness and far away voices, but not only that. There had been something else too. Beauty. The feeling of energy that ran through her body pulsated there.

It healed her, the energy, and the _magic_. It felt warm, running through her. Even though she had been so close to death that she had actually seen some of the people she knew that had died. She had seen the Strigoi that she had killed along the way and never really mourned. She had felt the pain and wanted to move on, but something had called her back to her body, to Adrian.

Going back had been a bad decision; she knew that for a fact. Ever since she turned back, she had been in pain, terrible pain and grief for her own life. Often, the thought crossed her head that she wanted to go back, back to the little heaven that she had seen, even though there were some of the demons that she had crossed during her life.

Life is overrated, really. You are born helpless and you die helpless. All that happens between those two points is without a doubt stupid. You fall in love, are broken. See your older sister crumble into little pieces. You see the love between her and her teacher, before even your sister's best friend notices it. Everybody looks at you like a freak when that certain sister suddenly decides that she's had enough of prison and breaks out. When a certain criminal breaks out of his prison, you have a feeling that the sister has a lot to do with it. You always live your life in the shadow of the people that are older than you and well known. It simply sucks.

Still, Emma wanted to go back too. She wanted to be with Adrian and love him until she was an old lady with at least six children and grandchildren. She wanted to see Adrian age with her, see him grow old, be happy. That was one thing she would miss about life, _love, _being loved by someone. At least she hadn't died a virgin.

The thought made her smirk though. She was about to die and the only thing she could think about was the pleasure that it had been to feel Adrian's body under hers, the muscles of his chest moving, the crooked smile on his lips, the fangs that he tried hard to keep in control, the fact that he was strong enough not to bite her, drink her blood.

It made her smile a little, the fact that she would have to leave this world like this, faintly happy but sad too. She died doing her job, didn't she? She saved Jill, she rescued her from the Strigoi, or at least, they had done that. Adrian had helped her. She hadn't died because of a stupid reason; she had been doing her duty. There was nothing bad about that, right?

A warm hand rested on hers as she slowly came back to the world of the living, or at least, she thought she did. Her eyes felt heavy and she was bone tired. There was a splitting headache, her chest tried to implode on itself and then there was something else too she noticed. There had been a feeling of unease. Worry, but it wasn't her feeling and she wasn't conscious either. Emma wasn't really worried for herself. She couldn't be.

She could see herself laying in a hospital bed; the white sheets pulled up under her arms and a heart monitor hooked up to her. Her body was covered in scars and bruises. Her arm unnaturally still in the white bandages.

"Little Emma," she could hear an all too familiar voice say, Adrian. "What trouble did you get yourself into this time?" There was worry in his mind, the kind of worry that she couldn't stand in him, but there was something else too, _darkness_. The same kind of darkness that she had felt in her unconsciousness earlier, but less of it. With a jolt, she realized what it was: spirit.

She reached out for the darkness, thankful for the chance to finally help him. She had seen him suffer the spirit delirium so many times that she was glad that she could finally do what her sister had been able to do for Queen Dragomir while the two of them had been bounded.

The darkness almost felt like a sting to her, but it helped. The darkness in his mind subsided and the darkness in hers probably just got worse. Adrian had had a drink too many and spirit had been subdued for a little while, until the booze stopped working its' magic. He couldn't see what her aura was like, but she did have a feeling what it would be. Darkness and pain, a lot of darkness, a lot of pain. Even when hooked up to something that would ease her pain, she could feel it stinging her.

She could see her own face contort in pain and the eyelashes flutter before going back to stiffness.

"No change?" The voice was familiar and when Adrian turned his head to the person who was speaking, she noticed that it was her mom. She was sort of surprised to see her standing there.

"None," Adrian says. "The doctor said that she would take her time getting back to us." Emma could see the sad expression in her mother's eyes, and didn't like it, _at all. _"You know that. It has only been a few days."

"Okay. I will keep an eye on her. You get changed and cleaned up. She will not like what she sees when she wakes up." Adrian nodded and stood up, leaving the room.

She jerked back into her own darkness that didn't seem to end, until maybe. A source of light was up ahead, and she longed for it. Her feet didn't want to go there, but she forced them to. She ran and ran, ran forever. Her legs felt sore and her arms did too, her whole body ached, but that was nothing.

A light shone in her eyes and the second she could, she pressed them close again. It was too bright in the room, too much going on in the same time. It was empty though, except for her. Nobody was around, but the beeping of the machines, the heart monitor racing and racing as she wanted to get rid of the stickers and escape the bed. She knew that if she unplugged the IV, she could very likely bleed out in a few minutes and after being brought back from being a corpse, the hospital bed was quite the improvement.

A doctor came in to see what was going on, he pinned her to the bed soon enough. She stopped trying to get up and walk around, mainly because it did really hurt. Her shoulder hurt like somebody had jammed a stake into it.

"You disconnected the morphine pump," he said, giving her a harsh look before hooking it back up to her line. The pain eased away, luckily. She drifted away again too, back to the darkness of being unconsciousness. She loved it.

She woke up again after a while has passed. This time however, she wasn't alone, nor freaked out. Adrian was holding her hand, a slight smile tugging on his lips the minute her eyelids fluttered and her hand went out to the IV that was hooked up to her arms.

"You are not going to rid yourself of your well needed pain relief, are you?" he asked amused as Emma looked up, astonished.

"Adrian." She gasped, quite unsure how to react after being in his head only such a short time ago, or was it a short time? In the darkness, she hadn't known what was a long time and what was short. God, she didn't even know if time really passed, or if she just went into this almost comatose state in which a second seemed to be at least five hours. "How long was I out?" She felt weak, tired, but better too.

"A week," he said, looking worried again. When she focused, she noticed that his thoughts reflected the same thing, worry, but also relief. "In and out of consciousness. Pulling IV's out of your arm." He raised his eyebrows at this. "You really annoyed the nurses my friend. They eventually begged the doctor's to allow them to give you something that would sedate you. Your mother almost kicked me out of the room each time she saw me. I don't think she likes me very much."

"How is Jill? And Eddie?" She started firing questions at Adrian, which he answered smoothly. As if he had expected that she would as all of them, or at least, most.

"Jill lost a lot of blood," he started, "but is fine. The doctor just checked her vitals and kept her overnight. She has been out of the hospital for quite a few days. Eddie got to go home yesterday, and is pretty much recovered. I wouldn't worry about them too much. He feels guilty for not being there for Jill, but she says that she doesn't blame him for what happened. They both didn't really know what has happened. Jill is kept an eye out for, because she doesn't seem to have much of a trauma, but seriously, don't worry about them, little Emma." He raised an eyebrow at her. "Do you have any idea of the trouble you are in? Have you even tried to move your arm?"

She blinked a few times, before realizing something and staring in shock at her arm, the one she hadn't been able to move before. She used all she had in her body to move her finger, one finger not even her arm, but it stayed still, completely still.

"Adrian?" she asked, starting to panic a little. "What is going on with my arm?" He looked the other way, as if he didn't want to look at her. "Adrian Ivashkov you are going to tell me what has happened to my arm, _now _or I will use my guardian training to pin you down and force you to speak_._" She didn't have anything that could cause her leverage and she didn't have anything on her that could form a tread to Adrian what so ever, but he seemed to be scared enough. Even if she could use her training, how much could you do with one arm unable to move?

"The Strigoi who attacked you," he started off, beginning again. "The Strigoi who attacked you cut your shoulder gravely. He tore cut the muscles in two. The doctors said that they could see the bone when they had to close the wound. There is a great chance that you will never be able to use your arm again. Maybe, with therapy you will regain some function in it, but never full." Tears stung in her eyes, but she blinked them away. "Not even spirit could heal your arm. I tried, Lissa tried." He looked sorry, really sorry and when she went inside his head, she felt the guilt there, and it stung. "We cannot make your arm function again."

"It's more than thorn muscles though, isn't it? I cannot feel anything in it."

"No, that's true," he agreed, reluctantly. "Everything was severed. They were able to stop you from losing it, which was something that they had to think about, but that is the only thing they were able to do. I'm sorry Emma, I am really sorry."

"It's fine," she said, silently. "What does that mean for being a guardian?"

"Your mother and sister wanted you pulled from guard duties for a while and Lissa agreed. Your assignment with Jill has been ended until further notice, they believe that, with one arm, you will not be able to fully function as a guardian. You have no duties anymore."


	6. Six

Emma was mad, really mad, but once physical therapy started, she realized that it was all a lost cause. If she could have to fight with that arm, things would get complicated, really complicated. Defending somebody with it? Impossible.

Adrian was the best nurse she could wish for. He changed the dressings on her wounds when they needed to be changed and made sure that she took the medicine on the right times. He even checked the pill bottles to make sure she didn't take too much, what Emma hated the first few days after. Her shoulder hurt, her arm swayed back and forth all too often en she had literary no control in her arm, whatsoever.

Two weeks into recovery, they slept together for the first time, finding a way to work around her arm being all limp. Since then, they took way to many pleasure in finding new fun ways to work around it, to great dislike of about everybody who needed to talk to Adrian or Emma in the early morning and found them sleeping, tangled into each other. Usually her head on his shoulder and his hand around her body. Even though family and friends hated barging in now, they both loved the way this had allowed them to grow back together.

Emma had only just woken up, her head resting on his shoulder. He was looking at her with a certain look in his eyes, an almost weary look. She had seen it before in his eyes and she had to admit that it sometimes scared the hell out of her.

"What?" she asked him sleepily, looking up in his eyes, his all too pretty eyes. She wanted to stay in bed for so much longer, enjoying the feel of her body against his, but knew that he would probably chase her out of their bed soon enough.

Technically, it was his bed. They had shared a drink late in the evening, and Emma hadn't had any intentions on staying over that night, but faith had decided otherwise. She wasn't supposed to drink with the medication she took, but who cared? Even Adrian hadn't thought about it, for which she was grateful.

"Next time," he said, smiling, "you decide to break your medicines rules, do it when I am not intoxicated." He was joking around she knew it.

"Define intoxicated," she smiled, standing up on her feet. She had pretty much gotten her own place here, with her medication on the night stand, a glass of water and clothing.

As she went through the three or four boxes and took the right pill from each, she noticed a little box that had become foreign to her. As she pulled a strip out and noticed which pill it was, she froze. Of all pills that she should have been taking, there was one important one that she totally forgot; _the _pill. She hadn't thought about it really, and neither had really thought about birth control. Adrian had usually had his condoms on him, but if he hadn't had, neither had bothered with it. They should have, but did it really matter that much? What were the chances?

"If you do not want little Adrians," she said, looking at him with a slight smile on her lips. "You'd better remind me to take these." She swallowed the little pill that was due to be taken next and after all of them were in her system, the birth control pill. "And I am serious about that. My mind is like a rag doll sometimes."

"I will remember," he said, smiling. "Though a little Emma." She took a pillow from the chair next to her and threw it to him.

"Adrian Ivashkov." But she too laughed. "I am nineteen, remember?" She meant it jokingly, because she knew that Adrian was kidding about children, especially with her. Moroi and Dhampirs have children together, yes, but the fathers are never there for their children because they are just too absent. It's almost a shame, but it had been what all of them did, even her father had done the same. His face turned serious though.

"Emma," he breathed. "You may only be nineteen, but you can't forget that I am older than you by a few years. Maybe not now, but sooner or later, I too will want kids."

"I know," she said, "and I do not plan on being without children forever." She sat down next to him, taking his hand in hers. "God, Adrian, I wouldn't really matter if it happened." She blushed at those words. "But we have only been together for what? Five months?"

"A lot can happen in nine months," Adrian remarked.

"Let's focus on getting this thing to work," she said, pointing at her arm that was in the brace. "And not having people sneak up on our conversations." He lifted his eyebrow, right before a knock on the door sounded. She slipped on one of Adrian's button up blouses - the only kind she could get on quickly - and shot into a pair of shorts - too Adrian's - before opening up the door and looking her sister straight in the eye.

"Rose?" she stammered, surprised. For some reason, Rose too seemed to be surprised to see her sister, and in _that _state of clothing, which meant that she barely wore anything that really belonged to her, not counting underwear. She could hear Adrian zip up his jeans and pull a shirt over his head. She didn't really hear it though; she had jumped into his head, seeing him looking at her. He too didn't know why Rose was here. She still hadn't gained control over her new gift.

"Emma," she said, eyebrow raised. "I take it Adrian is inside?" She was back inside her own head in an instant.

"I'm right here," he said, suddenly beside her, pulling the door open a little bit further. "Why?"

"Guardian Hathaway," Rose said, noticing how weird that sounded. She quickly changed wording "My mother wants to see you, Adrian. You know, like she told you in the hospital?" A shutter ran down Emma's spine. When Adrian nodded however, she understood which talk he was going to face.

"Do you want me to stay?" Adrian asked, turning to Emma with an affectionate look in his eyes. "Help you bathe or something?" This question got an even higher eyebrow raise from Rose, who tried to hide it as good as she could.

"I think I'll try it on my own," Emma said, slight smile on her lips as she thought about Adrian getting questioned about how serious he was about the two of them. "Without an audience."

Adrian had been forced to help her get into a bath and change the dressing on the wounds as she dried. They still hadn't fully healed, not at all, and if she was too rough with the spot on her back it would open up again, but since she hadn't done that in a few days.

"Okay," Adrian said to her, turning towards. "Could you?"

"Sure," she said, stepping outside awkwardly. "I'll be outside." She closed the door behind her, leaving Emma hiding a laugh.

"I'll be fine," she said softly, "make sure that you are still alive when I see you again, tall Adrian." She shot back his nickname for her, and he too smiled.

"If I find you trapped in the bath when I get back, I will laugh my ass off before helping you."

"I love you too," she sighed. "See you soon."

She, too soon, found out that she'd better waited for Adrian to get a bath. She hadn't managed to get the bandage off, but figured that it wouldn't be too bad if it got wet once before it was changed. When pulling her head over her shoulder though, she dressing became undone and fell to the floor. Adrian probably wouldn't take that long anyway, and he could help her get a new one on.

The warm water always made her feel relaxed. It helped her to forget the problems of the day, and when her arm had had a rough day, the muscles always found a way of going back to a state of being, semi-okay.

Now however, her bath wasn't the least bit calming. By the time she had washed her hair, the water had turned read and the wound on her shoulder had started bleeding, again. She had thought it had healed a little better since she last saw it in the mirror, now a week ago. The sharp pain that she had felt when ripping off the bandage had already made her feel that way, but now that it was bleeding again, there was really nothing she could do to stop it.

She wasn't sure when Adrian would be coming back from whatever her mother had planned for him, but even if, he would be late. Maybe, he would pick up his phone?

Her hopes were crushed the moment that she dialed his number and noticed that it was still on the nightstand. She was afraid to step out of the bath, scared that she would have blood on the wooden floors and the rug. It may sound weird, but she totally didn't mind the bleeding itself. Not now that he had finally started to grasp the concept of recovering from something like this.

The wounds had opened up before, and she tried to figure out what Adrian had done to close them, but since he had used Spirit, she really couldn't close it up again.

Whimpering as the pain shot through her shoulder, she tried to get out of the bath, and failed. The edge was too slippery, and each time she felt like she was close to crawling out, she slipped again and landed on her shoulder/arm. The one that hurt like hell. It hung limb next to her, burning, and all the progress that she had made, well, it felt like it had completely disappeared.

Trying to get her mind away of the pain, she slipped into Adrian's mind, even though she knew that he didn't like it.


	7. Seven

He was standing, to her great dismay, with Abe Mazur and Janine Hathaway, her parents, great. She sure as hell did not hope that they would be giving him a lecture about what he could and couldn't do. She was nineteen; they were free of parental duties from now on, thank you very much. And okay, she had to admit that most of the time, she didn't really look at that great when she was around him – about seventy-five percent of the time she was dressed in his clothes, solely because she didn't want to put her own clothing on when she was staying inside anyway.

"Mr. Mazur," Adrian said, politely. "Mrs. Hathaway." She knew that he too was anxious about this, because if Janine Hathaway disapproved of a relationship, well, thing wouldn't really go all that smooth.

She had come round to Rose and Belikov being together, but that was nothing more than an ordinary obligatory. Now that they were getting married though, things were a little easier for them and Emma knew that her mother was happy for Rose, somewhere deep in her mind. Being happy for her other daughter, that was too dating an older man, well, that was something else.

"Adrian." Belikov said, with a slight nod. "Thank you for coming." Was the whole family on a rampage to ruin her relationship with Adrian? Were they just worried for them? Or what?

"Of course," Adrian said, nodding. "Why am I here?"

"We need to talk to you about Emma," her mother said, "so block her out." She was pulled out of his head and back into her own misery. Thanks to her mom of course. God, did she really have to do that?

She often hated that Adrian knew how to kick her out when she needed to be kicked out. Sometimes she just needed to focus on something else, so she didn't feel the pain in her shoulder as she sat in with the psychical therapist teaching her how to strengthen again. He too had given up now that after two weeks, there were no new developments anymore.

It took Adrian a long time to come back, and Emma counted every second of it. Adrian had wanted to keep her medicine with him, but forgotten the things that she took for the pain. For that she was glad. Yes, she had managed to get out of the bath tub, but god, everything was a little bit more than the mess. The top she had pulled on was plastered with blood, since she couldn't put on a bandage herself and the floor did have a few spots on it. She could probably get it out of there soon enough.

Emma had however managed to tuck a towel on the spot of the wound and by standing against the wall, there was pressure on it. It would stop bleeding, she told herself over and over again, until her legs trembled and her fingers shook. She needed a pill, needed more blood to pulse through her veins and less blood that escaped. That didn't ought to be that difficult, but of course, it was. When you have an arm that doesn't function, almost everything is different.

The bottle of pills stood on the bathroom sink because she had decided to bring it with her inside, just in case. It was almost empty, and the four pills that were left in the bottle all fell into her outstretched hand. Her hands, both trembling so much that the pills almost hit the ground, meant to bring only one to her mouth but all four fell onto her tongue. One sip of water later, all of them were processed in her body, even though she too knew that she was over dosing it. But had there been only four little pills? One time she had seen four, the next time six, then two. Her mind was playing games with her. She wasn't staying clear, even though she needed to be. She couldn't cloud up again, not right now.

Tired she sat down on the ground, leaning against the cool tiling whilst still pushing the towel to her back. It felt soggy with the blood that was still running from her cut, or at least, that was what she thought. The world blurred around the rim of her vision and she knew that if she looked in the mirror, she would probably look like quite the corpse, color wise.

Adrian was outside, she knew, she could hear him speak some last words before he went inside again. He was with somebody - Emma assumed that it was either her mother or Belikov - and they were finishing off the conversation that they had conducted in secret. She could hear his voice rising, the door slamming and the keys slam down on the night stand.

Gently, he knocked on the door, before stepping in. Emma always considered it weird that he was so sheepish around her. She got it, sometimes, but now that she was barely conscious, slumped against the cold floor, she needed him not to be like that. She needed him to be like, like Galloway had been. She pressed her shoulder a little harder against the tiling, causing hurt to flash through it. That was what she deserved, wasn't it. Thinking about Galloway, Jace, that way was something that she hadn't done in a long time and shouldn't do.

"Are you still having your bath?" Adrian asked her with a smile across his face, his back to her as he closed the door.

"Not really," she whimpered as she tried to hoist herself up in a better looking position, but failed. Alarmed, he turned around, raising his eyebrow.

"You know that I was joking, right?"

"I got out of the bath," she said, slightly smiling, "but I ripped up the crust that was forming on the wound, I think. I already did that when I took my top off." She whimpered again as Adrian lifted her up into his arms, the soggy towel dropping to the floor with a soft thud. Blood spread out in the water.

"Let's get you healed," he sighed, taking her hand in his. Energy, spirit ran through the bound. The pain grew softer and softer until it was back to its' old self; still there, but numb. Emma sighed as she slumped back, still tired and pale. She felt weak, but better.

"Do you have any idea how much I love you?" she whispered, sinking into sleep. "More than the moon ever loved the stars."

Emma woke up after sleeping almost twenty-four hours by the light brush of Adrian's arm against hers. He had tried not to wake her up, but failed. For the first time in a long while, she felt like she was rested, well rested. The pain was pretty much almost gone, and though she couldn't say that she was completely happy either. There was something tugging on her sanity.

"Hi there," Adrian said, looking at her with affection in his eyes. "You slept in."

"I know," Emma said, shrugging. The pain in her shoulder coming back to her the second that she turned on her back, looking up at him. She bit on her lip, reaching for the pills that usually stood on her nightstand. The only thing was that she was grabbing in thin air. Confused, she looked over to the nightstand, finding it stripped of medication, only the alarm clock and a night light decorating it. Her cellphone was there too, but that was it.

Her eyebrows raised, she looked up at Adrian, "Why the hell did you take away the pills?"

"You don't remember any of last night?" Adrian asked, his eyebrows raised too. "Any of it?" She shook her head, confused. She only now realized that her shirt was plastered to her body and he was looking not his greatest either. The scent of bleach hung in the room, stinging in Emma's nose.

"You took too many pills," Adrian said, accusing. "And mid night, you woke up almost chocking on your own vomit. I seriously would have brought you straight to the hospital if I hadn't seen the empty bottle of pills on the nightstand."

Upon hearing this, she reached into the bound, last night's events playing in her mind. She hadn't even remembered that, the blue tone in her skin, or everything else that she saw through his eyes. "You wouldn't wake up. You wouldn't wake up by anything, but you were alive, so I let you sleep and you have slept for twelve more hours. If you hadn't woken up, I would have brought you to the infirmary. I probably should bring you never the less."

"I couldn't get only one pill in my hand," she said, reaching up to take a sip of water from the bottle that lay next to her.

"So, following that, you just took all of them?" He sounded almost angry. "Do you have any idea how many of them you had left in that bottle?"

"Yes." She felt like she was a puppy that had been punished for something that had been lovely. She felt guilty, bad, worried, angry too. She didn't know what she felt and didn't feel. "And there were four." She knew that he had been through a lot that night.

"There were seventeen left," Adrian said. "I found ten on the floor. You know that you aren't due for another prescription any time soon? And that the doctor will not grant you any more pills?" The truth hit her, now that her mind was clearing up. Reality struck her, hard. She felt as if she had only just been hit by a car or something.

"Do, do you mean that," she said, looking terribly sad. "I will not have pills for another _week_?!"

"No, you won't," Adrian said, an apologetic look in his eyes. "But that may be good, maybe, you'll be able to kick them off completely?"

Anger flared up in her, part of her wanting to jump up and plant her hand in his face. Who was he to take her pills way from her? Who was he to make that decision for her? He wasn't special to her? How could she possibly love him the way that she did? How could she even look at him and feel warmth flow through her veins? How could her heart possibly beat faster at the thought of his body on hers.

As soon as it hit her, what she was thinking, she pushed the thoughts away. She couldn't think about Adrian like that. She wasn't weak that way and this wasn't her, it was the darkness in her mind speaking. The darkness that seemed to be everywhere these days.

"I want to have you checked out though," Adrian said. "To make sure that you didn't make things worse. You ought to be in the hospital in about an hour anyway."

"Okay," she said, biting through the pain, "okay."


	8. Eight

When Emma looked in the mirror in Adrian's bathroom, she almost immediately jerked back. She wasn't herself anymore, she was a ghost. Her skin, usually tan from all the work and training that they did outside looked off, white and transparent. Her skin covering her bones and a little bit of flesh, but nothing like she had been. She used to be muscled, but now, she was just skin and bones almost. Of course, she had never been that chubby, but now that she hadn't been hungry in two weeks and only forced down a few bites a meal, this was just crazy. Could pain and sadness really change a person that much?

Her guardian outfit was waiting for it. Two weeks ago, it had fit her a little loose, but it had fit her. When she looked into the mirror now though, she almost burst out laughing. Her breasts were smaller and the shirt that normally hugged them, showing them off, now hung down limply, not touching anything. Her pants still hugged her hips, but was too loose on her from her hip to her feet. Even her marks couldn't be covered any more. Yes, she had had some make up to help her cover them, but why would she? It stood out like a can of pepsi in a crowd of coca cola cans, too obvious. Her skin had become too ashy for her foundation. She decided to wear her hair down, the long curls already having lost the shine that they usually had. Pulling them up would only make her look worse than she already did.

Adrian was suddenly next to her, his hand tugging her along. Her muscles screamed in agony as they were forced to move and she noticed that she did put a lot of her weight on Adrian. He noticed it too, that she knew, but he ignored it. Adrian allowed her to put her weight on him, and didn't complain, nor did he mention it, the good boy he usually was.

"Come on," he said, "or we will miss your appointment." She nodded reluctantly.

"I am ready," she said, "just let me get the sling." Adrian helped her position the arm into its' right position in the sling, so that the weight of it wouldn't throw her off balance even more. She already felt like she couldn't take one more step before collapsing, still, she managed to force a smile and resist the trembling of her legs.

Only when they reached the little infirmary, the nurses noticed how Emma was forcing herself to take the next step. They agreed to fetch a wheelchair for her, and her distress was relieved the second she sat down in it. Adrian pushed her through the halls, and she more than anything wished, hoped, that she wouldn't see her sister, Belikov, or worse, her mother. They would be too worried, but most of all, they would try to find a way to blame Adrian.

She had caused herself to be tired, and when her head slumped back to the back of the wheelchair, she could feel worry spark through the bound. Emma couldn't help it, she had to slip into his mind and see what she looked like. When you look through somebody else's eyes, you can see how much you have changed, while you can't see it yourself.

She was skinnier than she gave her credit for, too skinny, she looked too sickly. When Adrian met her eyes, she saw her hollow eyes and the bags underneath them. God, she looked awful. She hadn't seen it when looking at herself in the mirror, but she was pretty much a ghost, ashes. She almost looked like she was doing drugs in her spare time.

She snapped back in to her own mind the second the nurse rolled her in through the doctor's office. She had met this doctor way too often over the past couple of weeks and she knew that he was more than likely to disapprove of the pills she took.

Adrian avoided looking at her as the doctor asked Emma to take off her shirt to look at the wound that still made her feel worse than she ever had before. She wasn't entirely sure what made her feel worse; the doctor's look, Adrian's look or the pain. Either was bad, like being stabbed in the back over and over again, until the blood seeps through the hollows of your ribs and you are about to faint.

"Now now," the doctor said, bringing the focus back to him and the way he was tugging on the wound. "It looked a lot better when you were here, only a week before. Has it even been a week?" He scrolled through his calendar, finding the previous date she had been there. Only five days ago. _Great._

"I know," she admitted sheepishly. She didn't want to admit that she had made a mistake, been too quick with being back on her feet all the time. "I tried to take a bath, on my own. Normally somebody helps me getting dressed and undressed." A blush crept over her cheeks. "I think I ripped open the wounds as I took off my shirt. I didn't notice it until I sat in the bath and the water turned red." The doctor carefully removed the dressing from the wound and sighed.

"You ripped open one or two stitches, and I think that you opened up a section that had already healed up nicely. You did not pull open all, though that may have been Adrian's hand in this, isn't it?" He looked at Adrian, who just nodded. "So you have been lucky. The only problem I have right now is that there may be an infection risk involved here." He poked the wound a little, trying to be gentle, but even though he did, she bit her lip in pain, until blood stained her teeth red and she could taste the coppery taste in her mouth. "Not that I want to offend you," he added, "but you do not look good at all." He eyed her clothing, that wasn't even trying to look okay. "Whose clothing are you wearing? Is this your sisters?" Rose was a little chubbier and taller than her, so it was normal that they thought that it was hers. Still, she felt the sharp sting of worry.

"No," Adrian said, when she didn't answer the doctor's question. "This is hers, and it fit her perfectly before the attack. Which is how long ago, two weeks? Three?"

"It's been a month," she said, silently, hoping it would go unnoticed.

"That is not good," the doctor said, eyebrows raised. "Not at all, but I think that the both of you already figured that one." She wanted to kill Adrian, but had to admit that he wasn't lying to the doctor. The things that she was wearing at the moment had fit her to perfection only a few weeks ago. But what do you have to do if you weren't hungry at all?

As the consultation progressed and eventually ended, Emma was nervous, and she had not the faintest idea why. Adrian was told to keep a close eye on her, but not only her, but the medicine that she was taking too. When Adrian told him that he already did that, but that she had found herself in a moment of weakness when he wasn't home. So now, he was pretty much ordered to stay next to her, _all the time. _Now, at night, she was perfectly fine with that, but outside of that, nope. Not fine at all. According to the doctor, she took too much and after her overdose of the night before, she was put on medicine watch to see what would happen. The doctor said that she had been lucky to have Adrian around. If he hadn't been, things may have resulted in death.

If things were to become worse in her situation, they would have to come back to the office to get her medication altered. Though a visit with a shrink may be a good idea too, considering all that she had been through and what a shock it must have been to be pulled away from something that you had always thought was your destiny.

Emma had wanted to punch him the second he suggested it. Emma Hathaway was _not _weak and she would _not _go and see a shrink, _ever. _Her medication range was widened now that something to help her sleep and the nightmares away was added to the list. Or at least, that was what she was told. Later, when she saw the doc and Adrian talk, she figured out what kind of medication it really was.

She couldn't say that she was all too excited for the medication that was all too frequently used to treat depression, but didn't complain. Emma wasn't supposed to know that she was taking it and the look in Adrian's eyes told her enough. He was worried for her she noticed, and the bound told her exactly the same thing.

"I will remind you to take them," Adrian said as they stepped back into the warm breeze. "Without a doubt. Don't you worry about that."

"Like you reminded me to take my pills this morning?" she asked him, her eyebrows raised. She hadn't thought about them either, and frankly, she didn't really see how it would be all too important now, since she would either already pregnant and he would _not _be touching her like that any time soon. Or at least, that was what she thought. Just walking hurt when she swayed her shoulder a little bit too much, she couldn't imagine what sex would feel like, and if it indeed would hurt like this, she didn't really look forward to it.

"Right," he said thoughtful. "I completely forgot." He rolled his eyes at her expression, even though she didn't even know herself how she was looking at him. "Maybe I thought about saving your life, and not about keeping you baby free. Getting you to the hospital or at least non-shocking was a little bit more important to me. And if you miss one more pill, what will that do? I mean, you already missed some before."

"Maybe," she mused, knowing that she had hit a sensitive spot in his mind by bringing it up. Adrian and his wish to come a father one day, but she just wasn't in a good place right now. No baby would survive in her uterus if she kept taking pills like she did.

"I will not forget this one, Em," he said, looking at her with wide eyes. "Not if it makes you feel better. Not if this one helps you keep sane."

"I hope it will," she whispered. "Adrian, I know that the pill isn't for just nightmares. It treats depression. I don't know why he hid that from me, but I know. I highly doubt that it works. It is just another little pill in my library of pills. Most of all, I just hope that it doesn't conflict with the others too much, I already take so many."

"I know you know and it won't conflict with them. The doctor does know what he is doing, no matter what you think."

"I know," she sighed. "I know he does. What I am trying figure out is what is helping me go insane."


	9. Nine

The walk back to his room was mostly spent in silence. She intertwined their gingers, arms lightly swaying. Adrian knew that she was hurting at the moment, and had offered to give her just one pill, but she had declined his offer. She didn't want to be completely independent on the pills, even though she already was to an extent.

They were in love, but no longer the kind that she had felt during the first few weeks. She had been loving him with such a heat that it frightened her. How could she ever love somebody if all everybody did was hurt you? She had taken that thought into her mind for so long, that she couldn't ignore that anymore, but Adrian, he had been different. He had his struggles too. He still wasn't over Rose completely at the time and by dating her, she knew he annoyed Rose. No, their love had matured, to an extent. Too much had passed between them. She had died, she had breathed her least breath and been in the world of darkness and ghosts. She had come back to life, because of the person now holding her hand, because of Adrian. Her body and mind were still injured after what had happened, but not as much as it had been before.

Sometimes, she wondered what her life would have been like, if Adrian hadn't been there for her like he was now. What would have happened if they had gotten acquainted, but nothing more. If they hadn't felt the love for each other that they did now.

She would be dead, she agreed, and while a little chunk of her mind told her that she ought to be happy about still being alive, about still being here on this earth, next to the boy with the smile that she adored. But there was a big chunk of her mind that scared her, a lot, that thought that this was unnatural. That she wasn't supposed to be here, on earth. That she was supposed to be dead and better stayed dead. She couldn't keep on living like she did, with the dark and depressing thoughts that she tried to push away but often failed at doing. Emma often wished that she never had come back.

"What are you thinking about?" Adrian's voice cut through her musings. The door of his little apartment clicked close behind him. He had allowed her to keep in her own thoughts for the walk, but Emma was sure that he too was curious. "You have been a little too quiet on the way here."

"You." She said, being honest. The smile stayed from her face, which made Adrian look worried, once more. "But more about what would have happened if you weren't there for me like you have been these days. I just realized that I owe you my life. You are the reason I am still here. If you hadn't been there, I would be dead."

"Such sad depressing thought for such a frail little girl," Adrian said, though the look of worry never faded from his eyes. "Don't think about that, okay? You are alive! You should focus on being alive and not regretting or thinking about what could have happened."

"I am not a frail little girl," Emma protested. "I am a strong girl, who can manage to kill Strigoi if that was absolutely necessary."

"You used to be," Adrian corrected her, looking at the arm that she wasn't able to move anymore. At least, not at the moment. "You used to be that person, but when you look at yourself now, would you still say that? Can you still stake a Strigoi if you have to? Think about that." She shook her head.

"Adrian, I really don't want to talk about that right now."

"You should!"

"No, I should not." She snapped at him, which she never did. "I do not have to talk about anything that I am not ready to talk about just yet! If I chose not to talk about that, well, I will not! You are not my mother." She stayed silent for a little while. "Talking about my mother. What did she want to talk to you about?"

"She wanted to know if you were okay," he said, putting the medicine in with the others. "They have barely seen you since the day of the incident. They are worried for you, and quite frankly, they are not the only ones who are worried about how you are doing. I am worried too." She had never heard his voice sound so filled with emotion, such worry. "Especially after what happened to you last night. I don't know if you have seen what happened in my mind, or if you chose to ignore that part. I hope you did. It was awful to watch. I saw you choke and almost die again in front of my own eyes. You turned blue." He stayed silent for a little while. "And, well, your sister she is worried to, but the cause for that is a little bit different than your current mental state.

"Rose is worried about us, and how I am changing you. I have no idea why she brought that up yesterday, but that doesn't really matter. She is scared that I am a bad influence to you, because she noticed you change so much towards her ever since I came into the picture." She could feel her eyebrows raise and though she tried, she couldn't stop them. "I know, I know, don't look at me like that. I promised her that I did not influence your change towards her, and she seemed to be happy with that, but I think that you'll have to tell her yourself before she is happy about that, you too know your own sister. She seemed to be quite angry with me for changing your attitude towards her."

"Is she out of her mind? Does she seriously think that I got angry with her, and not only her and Belikov, because I am dating you?" She was almost shouting. Adrian, who didn't seem to consider her attitude towards this strange, just shrugged. This however, wasn't her. It was the darkness speaking and for once, she let it be. She didn't fight or struggle.

"She did seem to be all to convinced of that, yes."

"She is the most ignorant, annoying person in the world ever to be born!" There was a fire raging inside of her, and she couldn't put it out. She knew that it was spirit, there was no denying it, but she didn't feel like calming down, at all. If her sister really thought that little of her.

"May I ask you something, Emma?" he asked her, out of the blue. The surprise made her cool down a little.

"Of course you can."

"Why do you feel the way you do towards your sister? I mean, I want to understand you, but when Rose talked to me, it didn't feel like there was really something that happened between the two of you to create a spark."

"Because," she said, sitting down on their bed, her legs pulled up, "because for one she hurt your feelings. Don't get me wrong, it isn't just that, but I am angry with her for that. She never thought about you, or your feelings when she kissed Belikov. The two of you were together, you were a couple, and then she goes off on a weird adventure, escapes from prison together with him. When she can come back, she relieves your worry for her, by doing what? By bloody kissing Belikov while you can still see it! I mean, she didn't even tell you anything. She just kissed him. She hid the truth from you Adrian. I can see how much she hurt you when I look at the way you look at her.

"She had to do that. When she and Lissa's parents had their car accident and she ran off after wards, everybody looked to me for answers. With the accident, people came running up to me asking me how my sister was doing and if the accident had been serious or not, and you know what Adrian? I hadn't even heard of the accident. Never a word. I figured out in public and was scared to death! I was only thirteen back then, I still cared for my sister, worse than I do now. I panicked, and then, when I asked her why she didn't tell me, she told me that it wasn't important. That she was fine and that was _all _that mattered!

"When running off, everybody thought that I had an idea of where she and Lissa had fled from the academy and where they were. I did not. I didn't even hear about their disappearance until a student told me, because she hadn't realized that it was me. My teachers looked at me like I was just like them, and if they didn't pay close attention, I would run off too. Act like my sister. My friends ran.

"After two years, she appeared to be stronger than before and when she got paired up with Dimitri and appeared to be kick ass - don't tell her I said that, please - the teachers expected me to be just like her. They gave me exercises that were meant to be done by students her age. I grew up strong and like her, yes, but I hated it, because it was all for what she had done.

"But that isn't what bothers me most about her, except for ruining the academy time for me. She put me in a bad place. My teachers all thought I was like her, a carbon copy of my sister. The only person to realize that I wasn't was guardian Galloway, and I am afraid that he has never backed off completely with the guard he used to have over me." She shrugged before continuing. "And we all know how that turned out.

"Everybody thought that I was in league with her when she ran off. When you guys helped her escape prison. If you think the way that they wanted to get the truth of you guys was rough, you have no idea what happened to me.

"One day, two guardians picked me up in class, took me to a room and didn't allow me to go out of it for two days. Not until they were satisfied with the information that they had gotten. After that, I was the sister of that crazy girl that killed the Queen. Even mom didn't trust me anymore.

"What I find worse however, is that I still care for her. I should hate her, I do hate her, but I still care for her!" She blinked away the angry tears that stung in her eyes. "That is why I no longer trust her, she has broken my heart too often and I know that if I let her back in, that she will break my heart and my trust in her again. She is fine with Belikov, she is happy. I don't see why she would need me in her life anyway. I have always been her less than her, little sister. No need for somebody like that in your life."

"You might be surprised," Adrian said thoughtful, "how much she cares about you. If she didn't care about you, she would never have been like she was earlier. She was worried about how you were doing, very worried."

"You read her wrong," was the only thing that she managed to say, she mind exhausted from thinking about all the things that her sister had done to try and screw her up. "You never knew her the way I did. You haven't seen me after she broke my heart."


	10. Ten

Adrian was worried for Emma the moment the door of her room, where they had agreed to meet for the dress fitting of the bridesmaids, swung open without her opening it up. The room was dark and for a split second, he thought that she was still asleep. It wasn't like her to sleep in until all hours, but lately, she had been exhausted. The bags under her eyes were deep, her aura stormy. He almost felt like he was dating a storm. One day, she would be happy and cheerful and the next, she would be all angry and they would fight over something stupid like her sister or her parents or why she never saw his parents and vice versa.

However, when he snipped on the lights, the room was deserted. Her blankets were all over the floor, but everything he usually worried about nicely in the medicine drawer, which was still locked. He calmed down a little, until he heard the gasps for breath and muffled cries.

That was when his worries really started spinning out of control. Adrian knocked on the bathroom door, which opened up too. She hadn't turned on the light, but in the corner of the room, sitting in the bath, sat Emma. She was crying, sobbing. Her eyes were bright red and the water she was sitting in toned dark with the mascara that had dropped in it. For some reason, the barely lit bathroom made it even worse. It fit her mood too well. Today was a stormy day, and one that she rarely had. This would be a day that the medicine barely worked, even if she took it.

Her aura, usually spiked with a little darkness, was now almost completely gray, so close to pitch black in a few spots. The blackness in it that had dominated it for such a long time had eased up, but the new colors in it, they were way more frightening than the ones that Rose had on her aura before. In many ways, their aura had been the same. Darkness and happiness, but this, this was a storm.

Emma had been so drawn into her own mind that she hadn't noticed him come it at all. Adrian had grabbed a towel for her, gently laying a hand on her shoulder. She awoke from her dream like state with a jolt. Adrian was looking down at her, worry spiking through the bound. For a split, happy second, she felt her mood lighten, before the dark depressed thoughts seeped back into her head. _You didn't think that we would leave you alone, did you now?_

"Adrian," she breathed, realizing what he had walked in on. "Go away, please just go away." The darkness around them told her that she had been lucky with the way that she had been found. She hoped he wouldn't turn on the lights and found what she had done to herself. What the daze of the pain medication had allowed her to do, so that she could block out all the other things. "You don't want to be around me today, please, go away. It is for your own good."

"Are you okay?" he asked her, worried. Her words had no result on him, and quite frankly, she wasn't even remotely surprised. It was a silly question, of course she wasn't okay. She had given in into doing something that she had never wanted to do in the first place. _And we are to blame, and we are to blame!_

"I am," she sighed. "I just I don't know why this happened." She didn't know when lying to Adrian had become so easy. "I guess I just needed to let my emotions escape for a little while." She stood up from the water, taking the towel from Adrian. Her legs shook and she herself was trembling with the cold. The little burn mark hurt as she wrapped the towel around her ribs, but that was her price for doing what she did. She had to pay for it. _Yes, pay for it my dear. You are to blame. Not _us _no, we aren't to blame. _You _are._

Emma knew that she couldn't hide them forever, but that was fine. He would find out and he would be angry with her, and they would be in trouble. There would be more doctors. She would say that she was sorry, and probably find out a way to say that all of the burns were accidents, even though they really weren't.

"Okay," he said, doubtful, but left it at that. "We will be late to the dress fitting. I understand if you do not want to go, I can call your mother and tell her that you are having a rough day."

"No," she protested. "It's fine. Give me a few minutes to get dressed and I'll be ready. Just call mom and say, well." She took a deep breath, steadying herself on the sink. "Call mom and tell her that I slept in."

A few minutes turned into fifteen as she put a dressing on her burn and slipped into her usual guardian attire. It still hung loosely around her, but it had gotten a little bit better. Or at least, that was what she thought. She didn't really mind the fact that people stared at her as she walked past in her black pants, black top and leather jacket, but who cared really?

Emma was ready for the fitting of the dresses, she decided, pulling her jacket tight around her. The top showed the bruises too easily, and the jacket, well, it barely hid the lump on her side, but if she closed it up a little, nobody would notice it, or at least, that was what she hoped would happen.

Her hair hung loose in big curls. They hid the Marks remarkably well, and each time she didn't need to cover them up with make-up, she was happy. The marks were nothing but bad memories, nightmares, and even though they may be fitting in with a dress fitting. Marriage provided bad memories and nightmares, arguments.

Her sister had asked her to become her bridesmaid a few weeks ago, and she had said yes, even though she regretted the decision the minute the words left her mouth. She had said yes so that her sister would leave her alone for a little while, about Adrian and how he was a bad influence. Now, she regretted that decision even more than she ever had. Not that she still hated her sister _that _much, but being a bridesmaid drew too much attention to her.

"I'm ready," she said, sighing. "Let's go ahead and get foolish dresses that will make me look like a preteen again." Adrian rolled his eyes.

"I bet you will look pretty in pretty much everything you find."

"Such confidence in me. Make sure it doesn't backfire. Because, you know, if I have to go there and get all dressed up, you my friend will have to be there too, in a suit." She smiled at him, glad to have finally found something to annoy him with. "I have found myself quite the piece of arm candy, don't you think?"

"So I am your arm candy now?" asked, grinning. He still wore the worry clear on his face and Emma could read how surprised he was about the sudden mood swing. "Who says that you won't be mine? I will be helping the two of you pick out your dress, remember that." Emma leaned up, to press a kiss on his soft lips and smiled. God damn, how could she ever say no to a face like that?

"I guess so. Let's get going before our little bride murders me for being late."

Rose wasn't mad for them being late, which Emma was happy for. She couldn't handle her being super mad too, along with everything else that seemed to be exploding all around her. Her mother was there too, and as Rose tried on her own dress, Emma noticed the tears that glimmered in her mother's eyes.

Janine was no emotional woman, everybody who met her could tell you that, but when you grew up having her as a mother, you realized the subtle changes in her posture, the look in her eyes. Everything about Janine told Emma that her mother was proud, very proud.

Rose and Belikov had decided that they would have a wedding like most normal humans had. The usual marriage between Dhampirs was quick and nothing special, while the two of them did want to be special. She got that. There would be enough guardians around so they wouldn't have to work and it would be for them and them alone. Lissa and Christian would be safe without them. They may even be able to take a little honeymoon, though Emma was already sure that they would go to Belikov family for a week and roam around another week before coming back.

"What do you think Emma?" Rose's voice pulled her out of her own thoughts. They had pretty much ignored each other except for a quick hello. She had seen two dresses pass, and neither of them really seemed to fit her sister. The one that she was wearing right now was better, but it made her look like too much of a princes.

"I don't know," she said, trying to stay kind as possible. "What do you think?"

"I just told mom!' she said, throwing her hands in the air like the brides in the movies always do when something goes differently than they really wanted it to go. She almost was one of those brides from hell when Emma saw her like this, and if she was honest, she wouldn't even have been surprised if Rose would kill the person that screws up her perfect day. "I like it, but I don't know."

"Oh," Emma said, thinking. How was she going to rescue herself from this? "Well, I like the way you look in it, but, how do I put this - you really should have picked somebody to be your bridesmaid that actually knows something about dresses and what looks pretty on people - that it isn't like you. It's not like Rose." She took in the dress once more. "It looks like you stepped right out of that human fairytale, Cinderella, or whatever it is called." Rose nodded, approving.

"Okay. We'll see. I have one more dress to try on, and then it is your turn to fit dresses. I have chosen a few that I like, but you can have a look yourself too. I don't know if you will like any of those." She looked at Emma, shook her head as if she wanted to vanish a thought, and slipped back into the booth.


	11. Eleven

Rose looked gorgeous in the last dress. It was a simple off white dress with a gray ribbon under the breast area. Emma couldn't pin point why that was _the _dress, but she did feel like that. And she wasn't the only one either. Their mother told Rose that she looked beautiful and Adrian, well, Adrian seemed to be all too interested in the little boy on her lap.

The dress owner had her little baby son in there, and had asked them to keep an eye on him as she went ahead and fetched the dresses that she had kept separate for them. She really didn't need to hold him, but he had started fussing in his little stroller, so she had taken him out and held him. The boy - Jonathan - had reached out his little arms and started playing with her hair, before falling asleep within minutes. The shop owner had excused herself and told her that she could give him to her if she was a burden, but she had shrugged her off. Holding Jonathan made her feel a little calmer about everything that was happening, and if he was sleeping in her arms, she wouldn't wake him up by moving him over to the stroller. He was a way to keep herself calm and distracted. She just looked at the way his tiny eyelids fluttered and the way his lips curved up into the beginnings of a smile as he slept.

She had no idea why Adrian seemed to be watching her and the baby so intently, but she didn't mind it. As long as he didn't look at her with that worried expression that he seemed to have on his face and in his eyes so often, things were okay. She hated it to see him so worried with her and her behavior so often, even though he did have his reasons to be worried.

Adrian gently reached for Jonathan after Rose appeared back into her slacks and top she always wore, taking him in his arms. Jonathan never stirred, as if Adrian had some kind of gift with children that gave him the ability to keep them asleep. The little boy snuggled against his shoulder and Emma couldn't not see the look in his eyes. He would actually be a good father, when she was ready for their own little family.

There were three dresses waiting for Emma she noticed when the curtains drew close. One of them was a soft gray that reminded her a lot of the color that the ribbon that was twined into Rose's dress was made out of. One of the others was a slight gold, and the last one was dark gray.

Neither of them looked appealing to her, she had to admit that, but as long as she tried each and every one of them on, there might be one that was good looking, or that fit her.

She went for the golden one first, considering the fact that she could get into that one herself, without having to ask anyone for help. It was too big for her, the sides quite loose, and the color of it made her look like more of a ghost than she already was, still, she went out of the booth and was greeted by curious looks. Her arm in the sling was pretty much the only thing that made it stay in place properly.

"So, what do you think?" she asked, suddenly very self-conscious.

"You drown in that dress," Adrian remarked as she hoisted it up again. Even though it had straps, the dress was made for somebody who had more breast than she did. Somebody who actually had curves.

"It doesn't really fit your shape," Rose said, musing. It would have fit her perfectly, if she hadn't dropped into the deep end of sadness and no appetite. She too realized that she didn't lose weight because there was something wrong inside her body, it was her mind that was faulty. Her mind lured her in its' traps. "Maybe the others will. They are a little tighter." Rose still had that look in her eyes that Emma didn't seem to be able to shake off. That look of worry. Why did she have to be worried too?

"I'll do that," she smiled a little. "Somebody better help me with the zippers though."

"Sure," Rose said, I'll do that. Just call me when you need to be zipped up."

The darker gray one was loose in the areas that should have hugged her body tight and if she was honest, she looked a little ridiculous wearing something that was too big. The woman had offered to get a size smaller, but Emma had told her not to bother with that. She looked like a ghost in it any way.

She only had one option left, and she did need help zipping this one up. The previous one, she had been able to completely zip up herself, but it had taken a lot of maneuvering before it really fit her. This one, well, this one was impossible. Sighing, she called out for Rose to come in.

When she did come in, her sisters eyes widened. The bandage was visible on her ribs, and she had thought that it was that that made her startle. She had already planned out an explanation, she stood against the stove somewhere or something, and it had left a burn that she didn't want Adrian to fix, because it required too much of him, but it wasn't the bandage that caught her sisters attention.

It was worse.

Over the past weeks, she had gathered a lot of scars from all kinds of causes. Only one or two had been an accident and most of them self-inflicted, but how could she explain that to her sister? She had managed to hide a lot of the scars from Adrian, and even though she couldn't say it and be one hundred percent sure, she did have a feeling that he didn't think that she was doing what she actually was doing. She could feel her sister's warm fingertips circle her back, first touching the scar that belonged to the incident that hat started it all, and after that, the first self-inflicted ones.

"How did you get those?" Rose whispered, turning her around. "Please tell me you got those in battle." Without even knowing it, Rose had given Emma the best excuse for scars that she possibly could.

"I did," she said, a slight smile on her lips. "You too know that Strigoi sometimes get you quite bad. Some of them are from my earlier years at the academy. We do have some people who know how to attack somebody roaming the halls." She pretended to be proud about the scars. "Will you zip me up now?"

The dress fit her quite perfectly.

"You know," Rose said, "when I had them put this one aside, I didn't expect it to actually fit you, but it was the last one and knew that you would like it. Let's show it to the others." Emma followed Rose out of the clothing booth, to where Janine and Adrian sat curiously. Adrian smiled at her, a wide grin, showing his teeth. He was still holding little Jonathan, who had found a way of playing with the v shaped neck of his shirt in his sleep. It warmed her up inside, seeing him be happy, smile. Maybe she would want kids, one day.

"That is better," Janine said, before Adrian could say something that was too inappropriate. "What do you think Rose?"

"I think that it matches my dress and that she looks good in it. But it of course, is her choice."

"I think we found one," Emma said, a slight smile on her lips. Finally.

Emma wasn't sure anymore what was worse. Adrian had brought her back home, to her own little bedroom and Rose had shadowed them the whole way. The second she went through the door, Adrian told her that he had something to do, but that he would come back in the evening to see how she was doing, well, probably do more than that, but hey. She had starved him of that too.

What she however wasn't prepared for what she saw when she tuned in with Adrian. If she didn't want to end up in the bathtub like she had done that morning, swallowing in her own feelings, so she tuned in with Adrian. Being in his head always made her feel better, and if he wasn't aware that she was there, well, than things would be good. She didn't want him to know though, because he didn't like her poking around in his head.

There was a little bit of darkness from spirit, but with the healing that he been forced to do on her a few times, she wasn't really surprised of seeing that. Reaching out to it, she took a big chunk away from it. Adrian wouldn't be too happy about the darkness in her aura the next time that he saw it, but who cared?

What she cared about right now, was seeing Rose through his eyes. She walked up to him with a confident stride.

"Adrian, can I talk to you?" she asked, expression grave. As if she wanted to talk to him about something that he wouldn't like. What was she going to talk about? Adrian was confused too.

"Sure," he said, sounding surprised. "What's wrong?"

"Emma." With just one word, Rose knew how to get Adrian worried, and quite frankly, Emma herself was starting to get worried too. What would her sister have to tell Adrian about her? What could be that wrong with her that she couldn't tell Emma herself? Of maybe that was the point. "Can we go somewhere? It's important."

"Sure."

They settled down in a little cafe in the far end of the court, close to where the employees stayed that weren't in any case too important, or royal. Except for the staff that worked there, there were barely any customers, and something told her that that was exactly the reason that they had decided to meet there. Rose was, clever.

Belikov sat in a corner table, looking up as they entered. Even though it had only been a little while since they had left the bridal shop, he had been informed of whatever there was to tell and something told her that she did not want to know what was really going on. If this was about her, she didn't want to know any of it, and everything at the same time.

"Look," Rose said as she sat down next to Belikov, "I do not want to make you worried or anything, but something is seriously up with her, and I have no idea what is going on." Adrian raised his eyebrows. "And I am not saying that this is because of you, even though I do have a feeling that it is because of something that is going on between the two of you. This is going to be so, awkward, but have you ever seen her back?" Belikov raised his eyebrows, as if this too was new to him.

"Wait?" Adrian said, more confused than anything as he ordered a scotch. "What are you talking about? Have I seen her back? I have helped her bathe for weeks; of course I have been her back."

"I think she means in the last couple of days," Belikov said a cool and calm expression in his eyes. Adrian tensed up.

"Why are you asking me this?" He sounded confused, even to her. "What did you see that I didn't?"

"Because I saw her in the clothing booth when she had to zip up the last dress," Rose explained. "The zipper of that dress was on the back and she couldn't zip it up herself. What I saw on her back, Adrian, it terrified me. Those scars aren't from battle, okay, some of them may be, but at least ten of those weren't battle related. I think she's hurting herself Adrian."


	12. Twelve

Emma pulled out of his head, her own thoughts tumbling out of control. Was she really going to tell on her? Was she really going to be caught on something like this by her freaking sister? Rose had never had Emma's best intentions in mind, but this was just too weird. Could she really get betrayed by her own sister?

Her hands shook as she went through the room, collecting money, her purse and all she would possibly need. Adrian would be pissed at her if he found out, but who cared. As long as she didn't see Adrian on her way there, she was fine.

She had one last thought before heading out, and with brutal force - mainly because of spirit - she yanked open the drawer that contained her medicine. Adrian had the key around his neck, but there was no way that she was going to get the key from him. She slipped the pills in her jacket pocket - all her pain medication and things against depression - and slammed the drawer shut.

Anger flew through her veins, clouding her vision like had never done before. Spirit was finally really taking his toll on her, after all that she took away from Adrian. He had managed to kick its' butt and stop drinking as much as he used to do. Now it was her turn to be the addict in the family. Very family like, wasn't it? One kicks the habit, the other person takes it up.

It wasn't the first time that she had tried to do this, but it was the first time that she had managed to get her pills out of the drawer. She was happy with the presence of Spirit inside of her as the door of her bedroom slammed close. She didn't even bother closing it like she should have.

The bartender gave her a glass of whiskey and a doubtful look as she crawled into a table in the corner of the cafe. It was quiet in here; the only sounds the muffled talking, done by the three or four people that were in there this early. Most people didn't go any bit more adventurous than their coffees and toast because it was still too early to drink. It wasn't for her though. Maybe it should have been, considering that she hadn't had a bite of food, but who cared about that? Getting drunk was exactly what she was planning to do. If Rosemarie was planning on ruining her and her future, so be it, but she was going to be the one to do that first. Not her evil witch of a sister.

Nobody in here really knew who she was, hidden away in her guardian outfit, blending in without trouble. Mostly people knew who her sister was, and what her sister had done, not what she had done to make her own life miserable.

When she popped three of the pills for her pain in her hand and flushed them down with a big gulp of alcohol, nobody noticed, to her great delight. She wasn't up for anybody walking up to her and saying that she should be careful with the things that she took. She could get an overdose and that may not end as well as she imagined. If it ended the way that she imagined, that would be fine. If she was to die, it would be perfect really.

By the time that she was down to her third glass of whiskey, she wished that she had eaten something before heading off. The alcohol made her feel drunk too soon and she had a feeling that if she wasn't careful, they would throw her out of the diner. Being drunk in public wasn't too smart, she realized, putting the money on her table and stalking off.

The world turned around and she found it hard to walk straight ahead, but she didn't care. In the distance, she could see the sun coming up. The faint light mildly reassuring. She didn't know why, and in this state of intoxication, she really did not need to he reassured, but somehow, it did reassure her.

For the first time in a while, there was no pain, no pills, no sadness, only the slight happiness and the warm glow the whiskey brought along with it. For the first time in a while, maybe, she would sleep a good night of sleep with no nightmares, no nothing.

Her eyelids were heavy as she sat down on the ground in the court yard. She didn't have any idea of the time, but knew that the sun would soon light up the sky like a candle. The bottle of whiskey that she had bought for along the way and the bar tender really didn't want to give her she held steadily in her trembling fingers. It didn't slip to the ground, and as she put the bottle to her lips, the last of the amber, delicious liquid filled her mouth. Another empty bottle, what a pity. It really was a big cut from her budget, but who cared? It was too good, tasted too good.

She didn't even know how much she had had tonight, but knew that if a normal, human police would check her alcohol levels, she would spike right up and get a fine that she could probably buy three or four bottles of whiskey from. Oh well, nobody really cared anyway.

There was a voice in the back of her head, yelling for her to be a little bit forgiving towards the people who cared for her, but the drunk part pushed the voice aside. _You don't mean anything to anyone anyway. Why don't you drink yourself into oblivion? That ought to be better than, 'this'._

She was an emotional drunk if she had had little alcohol, an aggressive one if she had had enough and now that she had too much, she was the kind that just needed to sleep for forever and never wake up again. Her heavy eyelids refused to stay open for more than a few seconds and if she was honest, she didn't mind all that much. If she could just sleep off the drunk state she was in at the moment, she would be happy.

She drifted off into sleep, right there in the bright sun that had started to shine. It felt nice to feel the warmth on her skin, nice to an extent that she took of her jacket and rolled it up to put under her head. This was perfection. Everybody could see the wounds everywhere, but who cared. She was her destructive self. _Maybe, if I die I'll be happy at least._

She woke up when she felt that she was lifted up in somebody's arms and swaying back and forth in a steady pace. The person smelled like Adrian did, but she knew that is wasn't him holding her. The bound, that found its' way through a terrible headache, spiked with worry. He worried for her, a lot. She was still clutching the bottle in her one free hand she realized, clinging onto it a little harder.

Emma didn't want to open up her eyes and look up in the face of whoever was holding her, but something in the way she tensed up her body, the person must have known that she was conscious, for another few minutes. She knew that she had been back around before, but the headache had made her go back to sleep, the sun still shone back then now, they were surrounded by darkness.

She heard the creaking of a door and a bright light suddenly surrounded her. There were sounds, worried voices and a sofa or bed underneath her body.

"I think she's fine," the all too familiar voice of guardian Jace Galloway said. He had been the one that found her, Emma realized. Oh god, this was going to be great. "She is sleeping. Or she used to be at least, not so sure what the hell she is up to now." She felt her body tense as a new voice joined the words, a voice that hurt to hear. She couldn't listen to this for all too long. "She was awake a few minutes ago."

"Are you sure that she is okay?" Adrian. She wanted to stretch out her hands and pull Adrian close to her, headache or not, but she refrained from doing so. They thought that she was still asleep and didn't hear them talking. If they knew that she was awake, they would choose their words more carefully and they would lie to her. Make things sound either better, or worse.

"Yes," Jace said. "I'm quite sure she is." Somebody touched the object that she was clutching in her hands, the empty bottle of whiskey she had drowned all by herself the last night. She hadn't realized that she was clutching it so tightly. "I found her because of this." She heard somebody curse before she heard him speak again. "A bar tender had seen her last night. He told me that she was probably drunk. They found this in her seat." Another curse followed. She realized what he was probably holding, the pills.

"I'm going to bed," Emma heard the tired voice that belonged to her mother say. "Will you call me when she is conscious again?"

"Of course. I'll handle it." Adrian told them to keep them posted on how she was doing and that he wanted to talk to her in private for a little while when she opened her eyes, woke up. Jace told him that he too wanted to talk to Emma, and that if Emma and him were done talking, he should call. Adrian, to her surprise, reluctantly agreed to do so.

She didn't even notice that she had drifted back into sleep, but when she woke up again, it was because she had a splitting headache. Her eyelids opened and closed at least ten times, before she could finally open them up without blinding pain. She would never drink like that again, she decided. It felt like a truck had transformed her into a Emma pancake.

Adrian sat in the chair next to the bed. He stared at her with an expression that she had never seen before. There was anger in there alright, but other emotions too, emotions she never thought could be on a face as beautiful as Adrian's. A crocked smile lay on her lips as she thought of how beautiful he was, how each curve in his face was perfect, even though he had circles under his eyes and did not seem to be pleased.

"You are awake." There was anger in his voice, fury even and with a jolt, she realized that this time, his anger wasn't spirit induced, not at all. This was all his anger, white hot crawling under his skin. "Do you have any idea what you made me feel? When you were gone? I thought that you were missing, had disappeared. I even thought that I might find you dead."

"Adrian," she started, but he cut her short.

"No, Emma." He snapped at her, something he hadn't done in such a long time that she had forgotten that he could be that mad. "Don't stop me. You don't tell me anything anymore. When Galloway carried you inside, I thought that you had done what I have been scared of for days now. I thought that you had gotten yourself in so much trouble that you would actually _die_ because of it. Do you have any idea why I brought you back from the dead? Not because I needed somebody to take the spirit out of me when I can't handle it anymore, but because I love you. I love you so much. But you go, and you throw away your life like it is nothing, **nothing!"**

"I wish you didn't save me," she whispered, even though she hadn't wanted to interrupt him. "I really wish you hadn't." See you little bitch, you are breaking his heart in little pieces. You are just like Rose. You hurt him as much as she did.

"I couldn't lose you," he said. "I cannot lose you now either. What you did there, drink until you dropped, do you have any idea how dangerous that is? How many people die each year because they mix alcohol and pills? If you really feel that bad, that bad about yourself and the anti-depressants aren't working for you, you could have called me; you could have told me that you needed help. I would have offered you the help. I don't think that you realize that I've been there! I've been where you are, drinking and smoking to keep the anger and depression away from me, and I cannot see you wind down the same path I went. I want to help you." The desperation in his words and in the bound broke her heart.

"Adrian," she whispered. "I don't know if I want to get better, if I really want help. These past couple of weeks, I have been through so much, I have seen so many people hurt, I have felt so much pain that I do not know if I want to go through it all once more, to recover from this. The only people that know how to help me, is you and the booze, the booze and the pills. Do you really think that I can kick that habit? My body has already been through so much. I am pushing it and pushing it, taking this and this and that and I do not know how much longer my kidneys will say, 'okay, that is good, give me things to filter out of your system', because one day, they too will say, 'fuck this, you are pushing too much of the poison through me, bye'. And I don't know if when that happens, I want you near me, I don't want to hurt you Adrian, and I know that I do! Last night, last night was spirit talking, spirit taking things into its' own hands." She hadn't meant to say that this was something that had to do with spirit, but did so anyway. She wanted to hide it from him, because he would not agree with it. "My own mind has made me become a knife, Adrian. I cut everybody, I hurt everybody whose life I touch. I cannot live with the thought that I am hurting you too!" Tears stung in her eyes, but she blinked them away.

"I didn't know."

"No, you don't, because I don't tell you!"

"There are a lot of things you don't tell me," he said softly, reaching out his arms to the glass of water on the night stand and handing it to her. "A lot of secrets you keep from me." As she sat up, he sat down next to her, his finger tracing her back. "A lot of things that I can help you with. If you would just let me in deeper, you wouldn't have these scars. You wouldn't have to hurt yourself to deal with the things that come your way."

"I know," she whispered. "I know."


	13. Thirteen

As Adrian called the others who had been in the room that she was alright, but had a terrible hangover, she went into the bathroom to get decent. He hadn't wanted to see the scars, but he said that when she was ready for it, she should show him just how dangerous her mind was a place to be right now.

Emma appreciated how he agreed to be okay with it, as long as she didn't inflict herself anymore harm. No new scars and he wouldn't tell the others how much of a wreck she really was. It sounded like a fair deal, but considering the fact that she didn't feel okay at all, she had to deal with it. _But we are going to make it so much worse for you._

She took a quick bath, allowing the burn on her side to cool down and stop its' painful complaining. It was starting to heal up nicely, along with all the other cuts. She had never looked at the mirror and seen the scars like they were; she had always seen them as Spirit, or bad memories. Things that weren't okay. Now, they were bad memories, for bad memories. Her fingers traced some of the marks on her hips, angry lines filled with the past. If she wanted to get past all of this, she ought to let Adrian know just how bad it was.

"Adrian?" she asked silently. She had put on underwear, but nothing else. He had told her that he didn't need to see her cuts now, but she thought that if she didn't show them now, she would never bundle up enough courage to do so again. "Can you please come in the bathroom for a second?" She felt weak, but not in the physical way. She felt weak in a mental way.

He walked to the doors, unsure of why she needed him. When he saw her standing there, his eyes widened. "You know that I would have been fine with waiting to see them, right?" He sounded taken aback, as if he hadn't expected the damage on her body to be so grave.

"I know," she whispered, looking at her toes. She couldn't look him in the eye, she was too scared that he would look upset, or angry or anything she didn't like to see in his eyes. "But if I don't show them now, I don't think that I ever will build up enough courage to show you again and, if you don't know how bad they are now, you never will be able to help me the way I want you to be able to help me, if you really insist on doing so." Emma pulled him closer, putting his hand on one of the scars. "I would tell you the stories that go with them, but I am not sure if I can do so without becoming a wreck. I'm sorry that you'll have to wait for them."

His fingertips traced the scars on her body. Completely unexpectedly, he fell onto his knees, pressing a kiss on one of the scars on her ribs, like when little children fell, it was okay if you could just press a kiss on their bruise.

"These marks are part of you," he said softly. "And you know that I love you, no matter what." She swallowed away tears that formed in her eyes. "You have so many. So much pain that I just wished that you would have come to me for. But these marks, they won't change the way I feel about you. I love you, no matter what you do to yourself. I will never stop loving you."

"I love you," she whispered as Adrian stood up again, burying her face in his shirt. "I love you more."

Adrian had left early, his side of the bed felt cold to the touch and when she rolled over to find his usual warmth, she didn't find anything. He had told her he had to arrange some things with his parents and that he would be back by the time that she was awake, but that she didn't have to worry if he stayed over longer. She wasn't all too sure about that though. Him and his parents didn't always get along.

He spend so much time with her that his parents barely saw him. At first, his parents had disapproved of them dating, but after a while, when his parents saw how much he cared for her, they had warmed up to her. Not that she was invited to dinner parties yet, but she couldn't day that she minded that part, at all.

She found a piece of paper on his nightstand, where his watch and cell phone usually lay. With a slight smile on her lips, she unfolded it. Adrian wasn't usually the kind to leave her short notes, and when he did, something was usually up.

_Emma,_

_Good morning! If you find this letter, my parents are keeping me captive and I cannot escape their evil hands. Don't worry though, just send the wolves over and they will release me soon enough. Wait and see! (':_

_Don't forget that you have to be in the clinic at ten PM and you cannot be drunk! I repeat, you cannot be drunk. Oh gosh, I'm not your father am I. I know that I have let you drink away your sorrow for a few days now, but please don't be drunk. I am supposed to keep you mentally stable, not addicted to booze. So, if you could be sober, that would be great!_

_I left your medicine on the bathroom sink. Two pills of the anti-depressants and one pain relief pills. You are out of birth control pills, or they are hiding from me, either, so don't forget to ask the doctor for a new prescription. If you have time enough, could you look and see if you can find them and I indeed didn't notice them. Missing one pill won't be the end of the world, right? Or maybe it will! (: Life as you know it would be different. Maybe the future will be pleasant if I can't find them more often. Maybe I should start to ignore them Just kidding, you know that I won't push you into anything that you don't want yet – just don't tell your mother. I believe she is already not that happy with me. No, we should wait. Forget what I just wrote. I'm not that awake, yet._

_So, that was my little pep talk, don't forget to take the pills, I will check if they are still there when I am back. You know that I will, don't deny it. No hiding them either._

_I'll be back before you know it!_

_Love,_

_Adrian_

_P.S: I love you!_

With a smile on her lips, she refolded the note and put it on her pillow. She really had been lucky in finding Adrian. Ever since the incident a few days ago, in which she had been found drunk and passed out, her dose of anti-depressants had been raised and it had started to take effect. She still drank the alcohol, sometimes, usually when he needed it too, but hey.

The first two or three days, she had been a complete mess. The first day she had barely been able to get over her hangover, and the day next to it, she and Adrian had finished a bottle of whiskey together. She had promised that she would only take one glass, but when he had gone back to bed, she went back and finished the bottle. Her dreams were long that night, filled with monsters and dying, and once or twice, she swore that she saw the ghosts of a past that she left behind. Ever since that nightmare, she had been sober. Not that she should be proud, because it had only been three days since. If it were three days and not less.

The doctor's visit of later was a scary one for her. The doctors had reviewed her case extensively, and today they would tell her if she needed to be taking more medication. She hoped that this would be the end of all her medication, but doctors could never tell you when to stop medication. For some reason, the medication they told you to take got scared of being left alone and forced you to take it forever.

This time, that wouldn't happen. She would kick the pills out the second she found herself feeling even the slightest bit better. There was no other option for her.

Wearing her usual attire, she headed out. She had listened to Adrian and swallowed all of her pills, as instructed, and made the mental note not to sleep with him until she had her pills again. It's weird, planning things out like it was nothing. Only a year ago, she had scolded at just talking about contraception or children and today, well, today she didn't even mind anymore. He was right, she had to pick up new pills.

She realized that she and Adrian were becoming more and more like a married couple and how it was growing on her. She sometimes woke up before he did, and made him breakfast. She tried to be good to him; she loved him like the moon loved the stars around it. She remembered the first week of having a crush on him and the first days of actually being together. It had felt like he hung the moon, but that wasn't it anymore.

Until this day, she could look at him and never get bored of the view she got staring in his eyes. Adrian was, well, Adrian was like a model or something. You never grew tired of looking and noticing the small changes in the way he behaved around her. Only she could see them, like how he always left the toothpaste uncapped, the coffee machine never got turned off unless she did it. Those were the little things she liked about him that made him more like Adrian. More like the person she loved with all of her love that she could possibly fathom in her heart.

Emma could imagine being rolled into the delivery quarters of the hospital and pushing out a baby boy or girl that would be the perfect combination of the two of them. Adrian's eyes and her temper. His big old brain, and his blood.

It was cold in the little hospital and even though they had offered Emma a blanket, which she had gladly taken, she was still shivering. The doctor would be there in a second, she just had to wait and fill out a questionnaire while she was there, doing nothing. Some kind of emergency had popped up an hour before her appointment, one they couldn't ignore.

From the normal hospital, where she had been treated for the first few weeks, she had been send to the psychiatric hospital. The doctor was trying to figure out what could help her get her sanity back, and the fact that Adrian had forced her to be healthy was the only thing that really pushed her enough to listen to her shrink.

"I'm sorry," her usual doctor, Dr. Morgenstern said as he walked through the doors, cranking up the heating a few degrees. "There was an emergency in the clinic and I had to go." He held two cups of coffee in his hands, one for her and one for him.

Emma adored coffee. Ever since she was young, she had needed it to stay awake for periods longer than a few hours, and after becoming completely obsessed with it, it appeared to have a second advantage. Coffee drove away headaches, and helped her get sober if she really needed to be sober.

"It's fine," she said, still shivering, taking the cup in her hands, just to warm them up. "I have only been here for ten minutes, and the questionnaire is completely finished, so that is a plus." The doc nodded, quickly going over the questions.

"Indeed," he smiled, "thank you very much. Tell me, how has your week been?"

"Don't you already know?" she asked him, eyebrows raised. Everybody almost knew about what she had done. If there was one thing that the people at court were good at, it was gossiping.

"I want to hear your version of what happened," Dr. Morgenstern said, "like you already know I do. Gossips get thickened up, and things are being forgotten, things that may be very important to a psychologist but aren't important to normal people, who don't have the background we do. Now, I did hear your week was quite eventful, so let's start with that." He smiled at her, encouraging her to tell the truth. "Your doctor you have been brought to after the _incident_ has wanted to talk to me, but I told him to keep silent about it until you had a chance to talk about it."

With Adrian in the back of her mind, she began telling him about how her week had been. The whiskey, the hangover, the scars that they now knew about, also about her doubts she had had during this period of being drunk, and how she sometimes felt like nobody but Adrian could possibly understand how she was feeling. How she was sick of people worrying about her, but understood that they worried for her too. It was all a little bit bittersweet.

What she didn't talk about, were the nightmares that she had been having over the past couple of days. They were scary, even to think about, and unless her psychologist listened to Freud, they wouldn't mean anything. No nightmare of her had to scare even doctor Morgenstern, who had to see a lot of people a day.

"Now now," the doctor said, "that was quite the eventful week. How are you feeling right now, emotionally?"

"The darkness is there," Emma said, being honest. "But the pills do help. I feel less of a fool, less dark thoughts. I am a little bit happier, and I do think that Adrian does notice the change in me, if you can believe him. I don't know, I think that I am mainly just happy." She smiled one of her charming smiles. "I do know that there will never be a medicine that will make me feel good about myself, and I don't want to be dependent of the medicine, but they do help a lot. There are no new scars, no new thoughts when the medicine work."

"Why do you think you went for the whiskey?" The doc looked through her notes, her pen ready to write. "You told me that you got angry and just packed up your stuff, broken open a drawer took your pills and some cash. Why did you go to a cafe and drink? Why do you think you did that?"

"I don't know," she said. "I know that drinking mutes everything, and I didn't know what to do. My sister was telling Adrian what I was supposed to tell him all along, I felt helpless. One thing has always been able to drive sadness away from me, and that is whiskey. I will not say that I drink often, or anything, because I don't, but when you watch movie talking about a sad writer who has encountered a writer's block, he drinks whiskey and sits in front of his type writers, waiting for the words to flow out. I think that I thought well, if it works in their case, why can't it work for me too?" she sighed. "I have just been foolish. I always am and I probably always will be."


	14. Fourteen

The appointment went better than she thought it would go. There were no new pills, she could just go home, blow off steam, and wait for Adrian to get back from whatever he was doing with his parents. His parents didn't really like Emma that much and if she was honest, she wouldn't like going to those dinner things anyway. Adrian always came back from them with mixed feelings flowing though the bound and more sadness in his thoughts than he had when she had seen him before.

She felt a wave of nausea, even before the sharp twitching pain came. Stupid side effects. Growling, she sat down on the ground, trying to get her nausea under control before she went further into court, before processing her way home.

Nausea was one of the side effects of the anti-depressants that she was taking. In the little booklet that was in the boxing, the nauseatingly long list of possible side effects had been mentioned, nausea had been there as a common side effect. She should have mentioned it to her doctor, as the booklet said, but it was just nausea, nothing more. She didn't feel like complaining about it, since it was so minor. If she could stick up with a limb arm, she could stuck up with nausea just fine, thank you very much.

Taking deep breaths, she counted to ten, twenty, thirty, before it subsided and she did not fear throwing up anymore. For a second, she was more than glad that she hadn't taken that breakfast that morning, or that cup of coffee that looked appealing; if she would have, there was _no _way that she would have kept it in. She hadn't even had time to get breakfast that morning though, because of her stupid appointment.

What she mainly hoped was that Adrian wouldn't decide to come strolling by on his way home and see her like this. He knew about it, yes, but he would be too worried about her, and if there was one thing that she didn't like, it was that Adrian was worried for her so often, way too often. She couldn't pin point why that was that she felt so annoyed by it, lovers are worried for each other, right?

Adrian did manage to sneak up to her, but she had already been back on her feet. As long as she kept her breathing under control and didn't suddenly start running, she would be fine. The nausea wasn't gone, not at all, but it had come to an agreeable dullness, it almost felt like the pain in her shoulder; it was there, but numb and in the background.

"Coffee?" he asked her, handing her a take-away cup that was filled to the brim with the delicious liquid that she always longed for, no matter if it was night or morning, whether she was drunk or not. She knew that she wouldn't be able to keep it down this time though, it was too risky to drink it. Still, she took the cup in her hand, allowing it to warm up her hands a little bit, well, hand, she didn't get her other hand out of the sling.

"Thanks." she smiled slightly. "I found your note this morning." She took his hand in hers, it was nice and warm, reassuring for her. "It was very sweet. The dogs didn't want to leave though. I would have send them." He pulled her body towards him, careful not to spill their drink and pressed his lips on hers, gently. "And I did get a new prescription, so don't hope."

"That's good. My parents were okay, for once." His hand toyed with a few strings of her hair absentmindedly. "They want to meet you." She almost chocked on the sip of coffee that she had decided to take after all because it might have calmed down her upset stomach.

"What? Please tell me you are kidding me." She thought back to the first and last time that she had seen them and dinned with them. It had been, well, awful. His father had made it clear that she was not welcome in the family by saying that he had brought a _friend_ and not a _girlfriend_. His mother had come to her, to tell her that if she ever broke his heart the way her sister had done, she would track Emma down and manage to find one of the ways that were the most painful and kill her. Emma had expected something like that from his father, who had been quite hostile towards her the whole evening, while his mother had been the one to be kind. It really was fucked up.

Adrian laughed at her remark and shook his head. "Of course I am not kidding and if it makes you feel any better, I am not all too happy about it either. I haven't told them about how you are doing yet and if any, they expect to see the happy and healthy girl they saw last time."

The sadness returned to her upon hearing this and for some reason, she felt a pang of guilt too. "You didn't tell them about?" She didn't finish her sentence, but Adrian knew damn well what she meant.

"No," he said. "I didn't think that you wanted that."

"You're right," she said, "I didn't want that, but they will have to know if we are staying together, so I guess that we'll have to tell them about my great mental instability."

"You don't have to tell them anything," Adrian sighed, "if you don't want to. If they ask, you can tell, but it's fine if you don't want to tell them. I don't tell them half of the stuff that happens to me."

"You are going to be the reason for my death," Emma sighed, "but I know that you would like it if your mother liked me, so, if you want me to go and meet your parents like your _real _girlfriend, I will go. When does your mother want to have us over?" She suddenly felt all too old, planning out dinners with the family, seeing family on a regular basis. As if they had been married for years.

"Tomorrow evening."

If you thought that picking out a dress that was okay to wear for a dinner party, it sure as hell wasn't easy. Especially not with the boy whose family you are going to meet looking at you with hungry eyes. Emma held up two dresses, forcing Adrian to pick between the two of them, but he couldn't look further than her body, dressed in nothing but underwear. She raised an eyebrow.

"Adrian, which one?" Emma pulled him from his thoughts, in places that she didn't even want to think about, and let him focus on the dresses. "Which one do you want me to wear?" Nerves were already flowing through her body. It's hard making a good impression on the parents of the one and she wanted to make a good impression on his parents, not that Adrian really seemed to care that much. It was her first time that they really looked at her like their son's girlfriend, serious girlfriend and she didn't want to disappoint them. She once again was incredibly nauseous, but ignored it.

"Black," he eventually said. "I like the little bits of flesh that will show on the sides." She looked at the dress once again, turning it so that the little cuts in the sides.

"Then it'll be the blue one," she sighed. She hadn't even worn this dress twice, but already, she couldn't wear it anymore. Why she had ever decided to do what she did, she didn't know but it did cut into her wardrobe. "I can't wear that Adrian, I can't let them see. I don't even want to know what they will think if you are dating a broken girl with a broken body and mind." Emma looked sad almost.

"Wear it," he said, "let them see. Know that you are getting better. They too can see that those aren't recent bruises. Believe me." He smiled, his usual crooked, warm smile at her. "They raised a boy who liked to climb into trees and roll in the grass, and if you don't feel too good about it, put on a light jacket, they won't see. But I know, you will look extraordinary in that dress." She sighed.

"I don't know Adrian," she almost whispered. "What if they make a comment and I tear up while telling them or something happens and I become the snarly sarcastic person my sister is?"

"You won't, and I am with you, don't forget that. If things turn out bad, we can always head back home." Reluctantly, she nodded.

"I'll be ready soon."

The dress still fit her, even though it was a little bit loose. She had used minimal make up and even though she had run out of her foundation she used to cover up the marks, she wore her hair in a high bun. She had tried to make her hair look okay in a braid, but it had been too stubborn and a classy high bun was okay for every occasion, right? At least she hoped it was.

"You look pretty," Adrian said as she slit in her high heels. She knew that she couldn't walk on them for long periods of time, but hey, what did it matter? They would be sitting down and without him, she reached his collarbones, maybe even lower. She looked like a minion next to him. At least, with the high heels, she was kind of the same height has he was.

"I'm not sure," she sighed, looking in the sidelong mirror. "They are still visible."

"As are your marks," he remarked. "You'll get used to seeing them in the mirror. I remember you telling me that you hated seeing those, and yet, you are wearing them out more and more."

"I'm out of make-up," she admitted sheepishly, "I didn't really decide not to wear it anymore, I just can't hide them. And you like seeing them, so." She bit her lip. "So I decided that maybe, when I don't have to go out, I can wear my hair up more often."

He smiled up at her, his fingers trailing the silhouette of one of the marks. "You are adorable when you don't feel comfortable." Adrian smiled, before pulling her closer, pressing his lips on hers. "And about the dress, really, don't bother. If they ask too much questions, I'll tell them to back the fuck off."

"Let's get going," she said, taking his hands as they trailed on her hips. "Before I'm out of these clothes faster than I was able to get them on."

His mother opened the door for the two of them. She tried to be happy for her boyfriend and his all too strange girlfriend, but it was clear that she wasn't really a fan of Emma. Emma understood that, so she just smiled at his mother, the kind of heart-warming smile you saved for the people you adore – and their parents.

"Hello Emma," his mother smiled. "It's good to see you, and my boy. We don't see each other enough." She hugged Adrian.

"Mother," he said, eyebrows raised, "I feel like we see each other entirely too often."

"And I feel like you need a haircut," she said, ushering them in, "but you don't listen to me either. Dinner will be served in a few minutes, so make yourself comfortable while I go ahead and fetch your father." His mother disappeared up the stairs, she suspected to indeed, go ahead and fetch his father.

"Let's sit down at the table already," Adrian said, tugging her inside. By the time they sat down, his parents came in through the doors again. His mother a little nervous, and his father well, she was surprised about how alike Adrian he was, Adrian _before_ things happened and he got sober more often.

Her fingers knitted into his under the table, so that his parent's couldn't see. Emma wasn't sure if they really approved of the two of them dating and the look in his father's eyes, well, it didn't really look all too promising. This was the first time that they _really _met, not like they had always done, late in the evening when his father was already upstairs.

"Adrian," his father said after sitting down. "You could have at least asked your, _girlfriend_, to take her jacket off. It is more than warm enough inside and I assure you that she will be feeling faint by the time she walks out of here if the girl keeps it on." Adrian shot her a questioning glance, as if he wanted to ask her if she was okay with taking off her jacket, or if she'd rather keep it on.

"Adrian." His mother looked almost as if she wanted to punish him. "I thought that we raised you to be a gentleman, not rude my boy."

"Mother, I hadn't even considered that. It may be warm enough for us inside, but my little Emma, she might be freezing. They don't have the same temperature, remember?" _'Do you want to take your jacket off? If you don't want to, it's fine.' _Emma knew that his thought was just for her, and for the millionth time since becoming shadow kissed, she cursed the one way bound and her not being able to talk to him. "Do you want to take of your jacket Emma? Or do you want to keep it on?"

"It is kind of warm in here," she said with a slight smile on her lips. "So yes, I'd like to take it off now." She could sense the warm feelings flow through the bound and she was glad that she, for once, could make him proud. As she slid her arms out of the jacket and noticed that the table concealed her scars, she breathed a sigh of relief. At least they wouldn't think that she was weird, or too weird and psycho to be dating their son. Adrian took her jacket with a smile on his lips and came back a little later. Talking to his parents was weird, Emma had to admit that, but it was better than she thought it would be.

His parents talked with her on a friendly tone and they never used for anybody else as their little family, or at least, that was what Adrian told her, a little over two hours later. They had only just left the house, but Emma was glad to be away from them.

During dinner, the nausea had started again, even though she hadn't taken a pill in well, ages. She wasn't too worried though, not anymore. She hadn't felt the need to throw up, which was a good thing and his parents hadn't noticed it. She wasn't one hundred percent sure, but she was quite positive that Adrian hadn't noticed it either. Her head was too cluttered up with thoughts to notice which path they were taking, too cluttered up to notice that they were going to _his _place, not _hers._

"Your place?" she asked him, eyebrows raised. They usually spent the night at her place, with him sneaking off to his when she had fallen asleep and he was sure that she was safe. They didn't go there, unless he had _plans_.

"Yeah," he said, smiling at her. "I thought we could stay there for once, is that okay?"

"Sure."


	15. Fifteen

Emma wasn't sure how they had ended up in bed, their legs tangled together and his hands tugging on hes shirt, but she knew it was a pleasant thing. Pleasant, that was, until the bile rose up in her throat and she pushed him away viciously. _Please don't let me throw up, please don't let me throw up_. _Please don't let me force to explain it all to Adrian, please don't._

She was off the bed and in the bathroom in a split second, the door slamming shut behind her. She heard the bed creak, Adrian getting up and rushing to the bathroom to see what the hell was going on with her, but she didn't pay attention to it as the contents of her stomach tried to empty over and over again. She had never regretted eating even the slightest bit of food more than she did now. Why did she have to eat _that much _at dinner with his parents? Stupid, stupid girl.

Her eyes stung when she sat back against the cool tiling of the bathroom. She felt weak, as if she had just flushed her stomach down the toilet, and not just the contents of it. _Stupid side effects of the medicine._ Nausea still roared free inside of her, but if she didn't move, it wouldn't all come up. She wouldn't throw up again. If she could just stay seated right there until the end of times.

"Emma?" it was Adrian's voice that broke through the silence, the awkwardness. "Are you okay?" He pushed open the door to the bathroom, clearly not sure what she had done to herself to make her sick this time.

"I'm fine." Emma too realised that her voice sounded too weak for her to actually be okay, but she didn't really mind it that much. Arian would understand. "I think I caught a bug or something. The flu's been going around."

"Emma." She could hear him sigh before pushing open the door. "Dhampirs don't catch _bugs_. What is going on?"

"Side effects," she mumbled, "to the meds. Or at least, that is what I think that it is, I don't really know. I just figured, since it is one of the possible side effects of the drugs that I am taking. I didn't want to tell you because I knew you would worry about it, a lot, and I know you." She shook her head. "And now you worry. Next time, I am just going to stay silent about it all."

"What did the leaflet say about the side effects? What are you supposed to do if you encounter them?"

"Go to the doc and see if you can possibly get them altered;," she said, reluctant, "but they were helping me, they really were, and I do not want to change them up."

"Don't you want to know what the doc says first?" he asked her, worry spiking through the bound. "he can always give you something similar that will do the same." Emma sighed, giving in to his demands.

"Fine Adrian, what you want." She took the piece of cloth that Adrian gave her and wiped the corners of her mouth.

The phone rung at three PM, three days after the appointment. Emma had just come home after a long day of physical therapy and was feeling, well, enthusiastic. Finally she would have some time to be alone, after all the confrontations with people these days.

Physical therapy had gone great for a change. The therapist had found a way to strengthen her muscles and, something that she hadn't been able to do in a while, even been able to lift it for a few seconds. The paralysis that they had thought had happened apparently hadn't been as severe as thought.

"Hello, guardian Hathaway speaking." It had become a habit to her to forsake her own name when picking up the phone with her guardian title. She only now realised that she wouldn't be able to do that anymore. "Emma Hathaway, ex-guardian."

"Miss Hathaway," the familiar voice of her doctor said, "I would like to talk to you about your lab results, could you come in fifteen minutes from now? It is important."

"Sure," she said, doubt in her voice. "I'll be there."

Emma was more than confused when the doctor urged her to sit down the minute she entered the room. She didn't offer an explanation for her behaviour, she just told her to sit down with a stern look in her eyes. There was a sheet of paper in front of her, containing lots of numbers she had no idea of what they were and if they were normal, but considering the look in her eyes, she guessed that they weren't.

"Now, Emma," the doctor said before she could ask anything. "I would like it very much if you were completely honest with me about this. I am telling you this considering your young age and the medication that you are taking at the moment and the fact that this could all be changing.

"Sure," Emma said, frowning. What the hell was the doctor getting at?

"When was the date of your last period?" This made Emma's blood freeze in her veins. She thought about it, deeply, and noticed how she couldn't answer the question.

"I, uh, I don't know," she said, a blush creeping over her cheeks. "I guess, five or six weeks ago? But I don't really know, I haven't been paying that much attention to it, I had other things to worry about, why?"

"Because we discovered HCG values in your blood. This hormone can only be found in pregnant women." Her heart stopped beating, period. She could feel the blood seep out of her face and her breath get stuck in her throat. The nausea was there again, violently, alongside a terrible trembling that she didn't seem to be able to get under control.

"What?" Her words were not much more than a whisper. "No, that is not possible."

"That is why I wanted to get you alone," the doctor said, "because I know that knowing this can be hard on young women. You are only nineteen years old, you have to weigh your options before letting anyone in your environment know about this pregnancy." Emma noticed that her hands began to tremble as she looked the doctor in the eye. What was she getting at? "Because of your young age, and I know about your relationship with Lord Ivashkov, I assume that he is the father, who is significantly older than you."

"What are you saying?" Emma said, sounding angry. "Are you really talking me into having an abortion?"

"It would be best, considering both your mental and physical condition your body is in at this moment, but I cannot force you into doing anything, that you know."

"I'll make an appointment with an OB at the front desk," Emma snapped at her, suddenly more than angry. "And see what she says." She didn't know why she was this angry, so sudden, but didn't even care to explain it. How could the doctor that she trusted with her health say nothing but 'well, an abortion may be best in your situation'? How could she just say that she should kill her child as casual as she said that she might think about this. How could she? Was the doctor some kind of monster? Some kind of foul children murderer?

Emma's thoughts were all over the place during the short walk home. She had made the appointment with the OB at the reception and luckily, she had managed to get in the same day, in two hours. Normally it would have been the next week, but since there had been an appointment that had fallen away – a woman who had delivered her baby premature – she could come in earlier than that. She had too much time on her hands, time that she would probably spend at home, thinking.

What was she going to do? Listen to her doctor, have the abortion because it was better for her? Better for her mental health? What kind of mother would that make her? No mother, she realized with a pang. No mother at all.

Time ticked by slowly as she sat against the door, tears streaming down her face. How excited her sister would have been, if she would ever have had this opportunity. Rose and Dimitri would never get this chance, they would never have a baby in their arms that was fifty percent Rose and fifty percent Dimitri. She, Emma Hathaway had that chance. She could be holding a baby in a few months that was a mix of her and Adrian and what was she doing, she was crying about it. She was being a sissy. _Man up girl, you are not dying, you are just pregnant. _

Standing up, she did what every girl in the movies did, stand in front of the mirror. To her surprise, she did have a bit of a baby bump. Before getting pregnant, she had been too skinny and she still was really, but between the indents of her hips, she saw a bit of a bump forming. When she gently poked it, it was hard to touch. It brought a smile to her lips, but tears to her eyes. If she was already showing a little, what would that be in a few weeks?

How could she tell Adrian? How could she tell him that she was pregnant with his baby, but didn't know what to do about it? That she didn't know if she was ready for a baby? How could she even look him in the eye and not start crying?

"Hi." The voice startled her. Adrian's head peaked through the door, that was only opened slightly. "I already thought that you were here, I found your note on my pillow. How did your appointment go? Did they find a replacement drug? Or what is going on now?" Her hands dropped her shirt in an instant, stepping away from the mirror.

Her eyes were still wet with tears, and she could already feel her eyes sting, ready for more. Adrian did get this hint. He know that it was something that she didn't want to talk about, not now and never, but she had to. He wrapped his hands around her waist, pulling her closer.

"Hey, what is it? Is it that bad?" She shook her head slightly, burying her face in his sweatshirt. She could feel him comfort her. "You can tell me."

"I think you better sit down," she said after a little while, "because I have absolutely no idea how I am ever going to say this." She pulled him out of the bathroom, setting him down on the bed. She sat next to him, pulling her legs up so she could at least rest her head on them. "Do you think you could grab those papers and look at them? I want to know if you understand what is on them."

"Is it that bad?" he asked her, eyebrows raised.

"I don't really know," she sighed, "bad, maybe, life changing, big yes." He shook his head, making sure that she knew that he didn't understand what was on the papers.

"I have absolutely no idea what this is, Emma. I am no doctor."

"They found levels of HCG in my blood," she eventually sighed, "and that can only mean one thing, well, two really, but that doesn't matter. It means that it is either chemical, or real, but Adrian." She took a big gasp of air before opening her lips again. The nausea returned, for the millionth time. "Adrian, either way, these HCG levels mean that I am pregnant. I am, I am pregnant."


	16. Sixteen

What happened the next weeks was quite confusing to Emma. She couldn't put one and two together. On her ultrasound that day, the doctors did confirm that she was indeed pregnant, twelve weeks along even - they should have noticed before - and that she was having a singleton pregnancy, that was not the confusing part. Not at all. If the confusing part was that, well, she would be happy.

What, or better, who was confusing, was _Adrian._ He had become distant since she told him that she was pregnant. In a matter of maybe fifteen to thirty minutes, he had turned from the boyfriend she knew to a stranger that she couldn't even remotely recognize. They still slept in the same bed, since her little apartment in the guardian housing had been passed on to another guardian who could indeed function, but that was pretty much it. He was gone from the moment she woke up to the moment that she crawled into bed, to try and forget him and his behavior.

She had slipped into his mind often enough, to see how he was doing, and from what she saw, she knew that he was conflicted, so very conflicted, but what could she do? He was drunk, a lot – something she too would be if it wasn't for the baby. She just wanted Adrian to be a little supportive about all of this. It wasn't just _her _that was pregnant, the baby was his too.

There were occasions though, on which they had arguments and she would head out to the pub. On those moments, she didn't even care anymore. She just went out, ordered a drink and drank. She tried to put a leech on it, most of the time, that worked too, but sometimes, she just couldn't stop herself. All off it, the darkness, the depression – for which she wasn't allowed to take medication anymore – the dark thoughts, they all came back and pushed on her like a tidal wave.

Just like tonight. Adrian had left soon after their argument, leaving her with anger spreading through her like wildfire. And exactly like that one night before, when they had had to find her with the whiskey bottle in her hands, she left the house with the door slamming, money in her pockets and the intention of hurting herself.

She could have taken the route with a blindfold on, too used to following Adrian when he left off in the morning, too used to him being there and getting drunk. Even though she was taking the darkness away from him, it still wasn't enough to help him properly.

And the toll on her was only getting bigger and bigger. More darkness, more depression, more feelings of rage and, well, more scars on her body. She tried to steer away from her belly, knowing that she was putting her baby at risk if she cut there and that the scars would only stretch as her pregnancy progressed, as her baby, her peanut grew. Yet, her arms were a graveyard of scars and memories that she tried to hide. Adrian didn't know yet, she knew that from being in his mind too often.

The café was crowded. All around her people were talking, yelling and well, it was simply buzzing with life. To Emma, it almost felt as if she was out of place, because everybody seemed to be happy around her and she was everything _but _happy. As long as she didn't run into Adrian while she was here, or her doctor for that matter, it was okay. She could imagine how angry he would be, how annoyed the doc would be, but well. She ordered her first drink, put it to her lips and finished it in seconds.

_She didn't__care_. Even though she really wanted to care, she didn't. Adrian could drop dead after his jerk behavior. Her doctor could screw himself and well, her baby. She didn't think about him or her. It was the last thing on her mind in a long, long time. After her fourth glass, even Adrian became less of a problem. That nagging feeling in the back of her mind, it disappeared as she had more and more to drink, as the alcohol level in her blood rose.

Eventually, the bartender refused to give her a new drink. No matter how hard and long she begged, he would give her nothing but water or coffee, so she left. She was too drunk to walk straight, or to stop laughing, to realize how much she was hurting and damaging herself by being this way.

Halfway down to Adrian's housing, she stumbled and fell right to the ground, hitting it hard with her hip. A searing pain shot through it, and she almost screamed out in pain, but well, the alcohol numbed everything that she felt, everything that she did.

"Are you okay?" A familiar set of hands were set on her shoulders, gentle and kind, but she couldn't put a name to them. She knew them, she _knew _ the voice, but she was too far gone to make even the least logical connection. "Emma? Where are you hurting? Should we bring her to Lissa? She fell hard."

"I don't know Jill," another familiar voice said, lending her the name and face to the pair of hands that she could barely focus on. "Let's see if we can set her upright first. Adrian is going to be worried." The other person lifted her upright. Pain shot through her leg and her hip, but she could stand on it. It wasn't that the pain was _that _bad. When she woke up tomorrow, she would be all bruised up, but that was that. If she wanted to wake up. It all was a little hazy for her, what she wanted and what she had once wanted, but no longer thought was important. It is amazing how quickly a set of morals can change.

"She's drunk, isn't she?" The girl, Jill, said to the guardian that she now could place a name to, Eddie. She didn't know where it came from, why the sudden realization had got her a little bit more sober that quickly, but she felt the panic soar through her. She was too drunk. She was hurting her baby. She had already hurt her baby, and now, well, she was to blame for everything. God damn. This time, Adrian wouldn't forgive her. What she had done wasn't something that she could even forgive herself for.

"Very," Eddie said with a flattened out voice. "Too drunk. Not being a guardian anymore really isn't good for her mental health."

"Should we bring her back home?" Jill asked him. "Adrian is most likely going to freak out when he sees her."

"He's probably in a very similar condition." It sounded too sharp for her ears. How could they ever talk about Adrian like that. "Damn girl. She's winding down the path that everybody thought Rose was headed."

She tuned out from their conversation, drifted around in her own mind for what seemed like forever. The whole world went black around her.

She didn't know if time had passed and what they had done to her. Emma only knew that she was lying with her back on the stones in the streets one minute, before everything had turned black around her. Now, she was lying in a bed, somewhere. She didn't dare open her eyes, knowing that if she decided to do that, that she would be hit with a hammer, or at least, it would feel like it.

Pain seared through her whole body. Her limp arm was resting on her belly and her free arm was lying on top of it, as if they were trying to protect the baby, something that she would be unable to do.

"What do you mean, I'm lucky that I brought her in when I did?" she heard Adrian snap. "I don't see lucky lying in that hospital bed. I see somebody who just put her life in danger." Even from not looking at him, she could sense how angry he was, how much he despised her.

"I know that I shouldn't tell you this, but she was crying when she came in here, Adrian. She's a lot more broken than you think she is." This was Jill, poor innocent Jill. Eddie would be here too.

"I have tried healing her," she heard another familiar voice - Lissa say, "but I don't think that she wants to be fixed. When I tried to take away the pain that she had, she just send the darkness into me."

"Why doesn't it surprise me?" she heard Adrian growl. Stupid girl. How could she endanger his or her life like that? "You guys don't know half how bad this is."

"We do," Lissa said, voice restricted. "When we came in, the doctor was giving her an ultrasound to see if anything was wrong. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Adrian muttered. "Just don't tell anyone, me and Emma, we still have a lot to talk about. Pregnancywise too."

She snapped back into her own head in an instant, throwing the blankets from her body and standing up before the headache and the hip pain returned. Why were they even here? Did Rose send them to check up on her because she was too lazy to come check herself? She wouldn't even be surprised if that was the case.

"We'll get going," Jill said upon seeing Emma standing in the doorway. She knew that she looked furious. "Come Lissa." She could see herself through Adrian's eyes and knew how pissed off, angry and well, hurt she looked.

"We need to talk."


	17. Seventeen

They talked for at least twenty minutes before the both of them were calmed down enough not to yell at each other. Neither Adrian, nor Emma knew where all of this sudden, blinding rage was coming from, but both knew that it was standing in between their relationship.

"I am not having an abortion and Adrian, I think we should take some time," Emma said silently, "apart." After that, Adrian walked out the door and even though they still shared a bed and room, both became even bigger strangers for each other.

At her sixteen week appointment, the doctor said that the baby was doing fine. He or she, Emma didn't know yet, seemed to be at a decent weight and everything was still going okay. After her incident from a few weeks ago, there seemed to be no damage to the baby that they could see yet, even though they weren't out of the woods just yet. During their anatomy scan at eighteen weeks, they would learn whether something was up with the baby and if they would be buying blue or pink for the nursery. All those things seemed to be dreams for the future though. Emma still had to tell her parents, even though word was already getting around.

On Wednesday, the day marking exactly seventeen weeks of pregnancy, she had had enough. Adrian had just disappeared into the bathroom to get dressed for the day. It was only five AM, and Emma was damn sure that he would hit the pub the second that he left the room. Even though she had been the one that said that they should take some time apart and get their minds organised, this still hurt her. A lot.

Her hand on the bed to keep her steady, she forced herself to wake up. If they didn't talk now, they could go on like this until their baby was born. She felt angry with him though and did not feel like she should be gentle with him. Hormones, she guessed.

"Adrian," she said as she pushed open the bathroom door. He was carefully putting gel in his hair, trying to make it look messy, which she usually loved, but was nothing but annoyed by now, "if you don't want your name to be on her or his birth certificate, you should just tell me. I'll pack my bags and move in with my parents or something. I'll figure it out, but I will not stay with you if you don't want me to stay. I will not have our little peanut grow up without love, like I did." The words were harsh, but it had to be said.

"Emma," he started voice raspy. She only now realized how bad he really looked. He had shadows under his eyes, he was pale and seemed to have lost weight. Well, that was what drinking did to people. That was what she had done to herself too, what she had seen herself do through his eyes.

"Adrian," she said, "you have been distant ever since finding out and I get it, I really do, but I want to be pregnant without being sad about it because maybe, the father doesn't love his child like he should. It is completely your choice. We both have things to think about, I know that and I know that I haven't been the easiest to be around either, now that I have no medicine to keep me sane, but that doesn't mean that this baby doesn't get to have a loving home. I don't mind being _that _single mother. I don't even care."

"Emma," he started again and this time, he was allowed to speak. "There is a stack of papers on my nightstand, I suggest you read them." For the first time since he learned the news, he walked forward, pressed a kiss on her lips and put her hand on her tummy, where her bump was positioned. "Please, read it before you judge me. I got to go now, wedding things to take care of. Your sister will be coming by later to see what to do with the dress fitting. I suggest that you tell her the news. She needs to know. My parents are having dinner with me tonight, so, if you are up for it, I think that we should tell them tonight. We can't shut up until the rumours get to them, I have heard plenty of why you have been absent for so many things lately and if you don't want people to think that you are in some kind of abusive relationship, you should head out more. I'll pick you up at six for dinner, okay?"

He left the room, without speaking another word.

_Emma,_

_I know that I have not been the one you thought I would be after learning the news of your pregnancy, and I am sorry for that, but as you probably know, my thoughts are all over the place. If you are surprised by that, I guess I don't know you as well as I thought I did._

_First of all, I want to tell you that I do look forward to becoming a father. I want our little baby to grow up with the two of us and be happy. Become a happy little toddler and a child. I want to be there when our daughter or son marries._

_God, I have been thinking about all of that for such a long time now. Dreams have allowed me to see what could be in our future if we become the parents that I know that we can be, and let me tell you darling, it is a future that is bright and beautiful, bright and beautiful and certainly notthe reason why I have been this distant towards both you and the baby._

_The reason is a lame one, but you probably know it. The reason for my reluctance, it is that I am scared, out of my mind. The fear that I will become the kind of boyfriend that leaves._

_Your pregnancy may look good now, and it does, it really does, but what will it do to me? Mentally? How will being a father change me? Will I be able to be a good one? Or will I be like my father has always been towards me? Hostile?_

_I don't want to mess up. We both have been through so much, both together and alone. We have seen each other upset and crying, all messed up. I don't want to make you go through that again. I don't want to wake up to you gagging on your own vomit, so close to dying that I do not know if I will ever see you again, as the one with the beautiful smile on her lips._

_Without your medicine, you are worse, weaker. Your aura is so dark, little Em. It makes me sad to see you all dark and depressed, and I know that you don't know it, but I have checked your body for scars so often that every inch of your body is familiar to me in a way that I never hoped it would be. All those scars, many you never told me about._

_In my nightmares, I see new cuts, more cuts, deeper ones. I see how you suffer so much and that for a reason that is more than selfish to me. Because I have always said that I would not wait forever to have a baby with you. I know that you didn't take him or her out because of me too, because I always wanted kids, one day. I told you that I wanted kids with you._

_I think that I am just scared of what is to come in a few weeks. You are already so far along that I feel like I have missed half of your pregnancy because of my behaviour, but I have no reason not to do this, okay? I just needed my head to clear up a little._

_But, I promise to you, that I will change. I do promise that. Yes, I have been threating you very wrong past couple of weeks and you did not deserve that. You deserved to have a boyfriend to rub your back when you needed it - don't think I don't know that you have been having terrible backaches; I've been trying to heal them in your sleep. In the future, I will be there, I promise that to you, my little Em._

_When you can barely pull your blouse down your belly because of that one arm that won't help you, I promise you that I will be there to help you._

_I think that I just needed my time to process it, and be drunk and I know that I probably should' have taken less time but I am sorry, okay? I really am. I will be a good father to our peanut._

_No, I did not have the best example in that case. My father has never really been like a father to me, but I will try, okay?_

_I still love both of you. No matter what you think of me. In the future, I will not throw away all our money on alcohol. I will spend it all on diapers and teddy bears. Pacifiers and clothing, things to show you my love._

_Adrian_

She felt tears sting in her eyes as she folded the letter close. It didn't explain all his behaviour, but it did explain a lot, and it was not enough for her, but a lot. It showed that he really wanted to become even a little bit of the father that he really was.

She dialled her mother's number a little while later, at a respectable hour, and listened to it ring for what seemed like an eternity. Just when she wanted to disconnect, her mother answered the phone, or at least, that was who she thought it would be.

"Emma?" she could hear the voice of Abe Mazur say. She hadn't spoken, really spoken, to her father in ages, and he hadn't even tried to contact her in any way, but _now _he picked up the phone, her _mother's _phone, at eight AM. That was a little, suspicious.

"Is mom there?" she asked, unable to keep her nervousness out of her voice. "I need to talk to her."

"She's taking a shower," he said, "but I could leave a message?"

"Tell her to meet me at our place," she said, not ever realising that this our place to her, might not be the same thing to them. "At Adrian's? I need to talk to her about something important. Just tell her to hurry, okay?" Her voice pitched too high with the _okay _and she hoped that Abe wouldn't even mention it, still, she hung up the phone before he even had a chance to make a remark about it. She was nervous enough already.

She quickly changed into clothing that wouldn't reveal the news right away. Even though they both would know, Emma didn't want to take any chances on them figuring out before she even had the guts to tell them. There was only one problem; all the clothes that she owned showed the little bump she had acquired over the past couple of weeks. This wouldn't be a problem for much longer, not when the people that really needed to know, knew, but right now? It was awful.

She eventually settled with a black, close fitting top, a sweater that actually belonged to Adrian but still fit her and her guardian pants, the only pair that still fit her around the waist. Getting pregnant was one thing, but dealing with the weight gain and the change in figure was something completely different.

Throughout the first week and maybe the second too, she had been unable to keep much down and had dropped a few pounds. Her bump had become bigger, but now she seemed to be exploding in comparison with before she was pregnant.

"I'm just nervous, peanut," she whispered to the baby in the bathroom mirror. "That's all, so many people are going to find out today and I don't know if I'm ready to let them know." After braiding her hair for the at least third time, she shrugged and detangled it again. Nothing was fine, everything was messed up and she, she was a wreck.


End file.
